WHAT’S UP WITH HER?

Q I met a woman I really like a lot but she puzzles me. We’ll go on a date, have a really good time together and it’s wonderful.

I enjoy spending time with her and I expect she’ll want to go out with me again but then she seems to push me away.

But as soon as I decide to stop asking her out and date someone else instead, she makes contact with me.

She then starts flirting with me and the whole cycle just starts all over again.

What’s up with her? She’s driving me crazy. Tony, email

A It seems likely that she suffers from a fear of intimacy. People like this allow others to get close to them emotionally up to a certain point and then they either do something to push the other person away or they just withdraw.

It often happens subconsciously, without the person even being aware that they’re doing it or why.

What underlies this type of behaviour is a fear of emotional intimacy, which is often caused by having experienced emotional hurt and rejection in a previous relationship.

People like this usually have a deep-seated fear of such rejection happening again, so they withdraw from the situation before they can get hurt. In some cases it may stem from having experienced neglect or even abuse in childhood.

There’s no quick or easy solution – fear of intimacy can only be resolved if the person is willing to go for therapy and work through their past traumatic experiences. Until this happens, the cycle – also called the dance of intimacy because of the coming closer followed by drawing back – will continue.