HOW CAN I GET RID OF THE GUILT?

Q My husband died recently and although part of me loved him, part of me also hated him because he was abusive and tried to control my life. I feel relieved and almost happy, but I also feel so guilty that I’m not crying. Or rather, I find that when I do cry it’s with relief that he’s no longer here to abuse me.

We were married for 20 years and I kept thinking I’d leave him but we have two children. They’re now grown up and have their own lives. When the youngest left home last year, I thought then that I’d leave him, but then he was diagnosed with cancer and given only a few months to live. So I stayed. How could I leave him then?

I was also angry with him for getting cancer because it ended up keeping me in prison for longer. I didn’t know then that it would end up being for another year.

I’ve been feeling like a bird that has eventually been rescued, was let out of a cage and is now flying free. How can I get rid of this guilt? Miriam, email

A It wasn’t only your husband who kept you in the cage – you kept yourself in it too by not leaving the marriage earlier regardless of the children. Children don’t benefit in any way from growing up in an abusive home – even if they themselves aren’t abused. Children are very astute and usually know that something that’s not good is going on, even when it’s not happening in front of them.

However, you also need to forgive yourself for not leaving the marriage sooner. Your intentions were honourable.

Remember that guilt can only be allocated if you’ve done something wrong. You didn’t wrong your husband by not leaving him and staying with him until he died. You wronged yourself.

Your relief is understandable and you don’t owe anyone an explanation because you don’t feel like crying over his death. The constant abuse will have eroded your love and any respect you may have had for him.

Let go of the guilt, enjoy your new freedom and exercise your right to control your own life.