KIDS & KINDESS
A parent always hopes that their child will grow into a kind and caring adult – but are there things you can do to help them along the way?
In a world filled with violence, stress, anxiety and global fatigue it’s important to raise our children with a strong view to building a brighter future. Teaching your child empathy is a vital part of that.
WHAT IS EMPATHY?
Author of the book Raising Happy Children, Lizanne du Plessis, describes empathy as the ability to care. It’s that deep heartfelt feeling, the refined emotion that enables us to understand someone else’s feelings and then to respond with care. Ultimately, empathy is the capacity to put ourselves in another person’s shoes.
In children, psychologist Lomé Koekemoer explains that empathy can be quite complex. A child needs to understand that he is separate from others, he needs to recognise his own emotions and that these are often different to what others are experiencing, he needs to recognise the feelings that most people experience, he needs to be able to look at a situation and imagine what someone else might be feeling and he needs to think of an appropriate response to comfort the other person.
Psychologist Cara Blackie says that empathy allows the child to have the capacity to notice the distress of others, and to be moved by it. This is a critical component of what is called prosocial behaviour – actions that benefit others as individuals, groups or society as a whole. This results in children forming more
mutually beneficial relationships, as well as being more aware of others and not only themselves. Children who learn to be empathetic have a better chance of being a kind and caring adult.
GROWING COMPASSION
Empathy and kindness are characteristics that are learned over time. Cara helps us understand the process of this learning curve over your baby’s lifetime.
INFANCY Empathy starts to develop as soon as babies are born because the foundation for compassion is part of our biological wiring. That is why we often see babies cry if they hear other babies cry. Within the parent-child connection, your baby will feel accepted and understood by you. This in turn helps your child learn how to accept and understand others as he grows. For babies, empathy is learned by the way their parents treat them when they are cranky, fussy, or frightened. The foundation for empathetic behaviour begins with the trust and attachment that is established when you consistently, promptly and lovingly respond to your baby’s needs.
8 TO 9 MONTHS At this stage a baby begins to understand what it feels like to have different emotions; that something like anger feels very different to joy. Babies around this age are also beginning to understand that they are people, separate from their parents. This is a crucial milestone in interpreting the feelings of others.
12 TO 18 MONTHS Around his first birthday, you may notice your baby starts looking to you for approval before doing something. This is called social referencing, where children look to their caregivers for confirmation on whether something is safe or not. Through this, your baby also learns that facial expressions speak for different emotions. As he approaches 18 months, your baby exhibits the ultimate precursor to empathy – understanding that other people have feelings different from our own.
TWO YEARS Studies show that around two years of age children start to show genuine empathy, understanding how other people feel even when they don’t feel the same way themselves. You may even see your tot try to “comfort” his toys (or even you, if he can see you having a bad moment) by patting or hugging them now as a show of this altruistic empathy that he’s suddenly developed.
THE AGE OF THE BULLY
Lizanne explains that anger, fear and rage – feelings that often drive bullying behaviour – are primitive emotions that present early in a child’s life. Children don’t need to have special experiences to develop these kinds of emotions. In fact, a big and very normal part of being a toddler is focussing on “me, mine, and I”. If your child does show signs of frustration try not to be overly worried, but rather ensure that you create plenty of opportunities for the development of empathy. A child will develop has much empathy as is shown to him.
Cara says that if a child is more aggressive or bossier in nature it does not mean you should be worried. In recent years research has produced a number of surprising findings. For example, it would seem evident that being well behaved is a characteristic of children who will grow up to be compassionate adults. But unruly children are just as likely to become caring adults as their well behaved playmates, recent studies have found. You should still try to talk about and involve the feelings of the other person to teach a child to be more empathetic.