A very special bond
Why forming an attachment with an adopted child is a process
When Robyn Wolfson Vorster decided to adopt her daughter, it was after years of longing for a second child followed by fruitless IVF procedures had left her broken-hearted. The experience made her feel guarded, and the situation wasn’t helped by the fact that the adoption seemed to take an unusually long time. After 11 months – including six months of waiting for a baby – Robyn admits that she felt numb when her social worker showed her a picture of Asha, her new daughter. Nor did she feel an immediate emotional connection when she met Asha – until her second visit, when the five-month-old baby lifted her tiny arms for her mom to pick her up. “At that point, my heart melted. I loved her completely and I knew from that moment that the love I felt for my daughter was no different to that I feel for my biological son,” she recalls.
MIXED EMOTIONS
Kerrin’s experience was slightly different. “By nature, I’m the kind of person who has high expectations, so I thought I would take to motherhood instantly. I gave no thought to bonding – my immediate focus was on getting my baby,” she says. Even when baby Luke came home, she concentrated more on doing than feeling. “I was so consumed with the usual concerns of a new mom – Does he have a temperature? Am I doing this properly? – that I didn’t give any thought to how I felt about him. It was only a few months later that I realised he didn’t fill every fibre of my being. I felt so guilty, because I thought that he deserved a mother who loved him completely. I also worried that he would be able to guess my feelings.” Kerrin believes that these feelings were exacerbated by having met Luke’s birth mother. “I would look at him and see his mother’s face. I felt a huge responsibility because she had ‘given’ him to me – and, in a way, that made me hold back all I was feeling.” Kerrin’s guilt impacted on her mothering; she started to overcompensate and Luke, in turn, pushed boundaries and tested her. And then, inexplicably, something changed. “One day I found myself explaining to my husband why Luke was going to inherit my height – and that’s when I knew he had truly become my son.
“One of my friends, who is herself adopted, recently told me that when she was growing up, her mother told her that she had grown in her heart,” Kerrin continues. “In my case, that was certainly true – Luke grew in my heart so now I know that he is more perfectly part of me than any child I could have given birth to. I couldn’t possibly love him more.”
EVEN BEST LAID PLANS GO ASTRAY
Judy Stuart, a counsellor at the Family Life Centre and herself the mother of two adopted children, says that Kerrin’s mixed emotions are completely normal. “Prior to deciding to
adopt, there is usually a long period of medical stress and grief,” she points out. “Once you are accepted as adopted parents, your whole life changes – but it takes a long time for the ‘birth’ to take place.” During this time, you can expect to experience a whirlwind of conflicting feelings, from excitement to fear, panic and joy. That’s not surprising, given that although you are on the brink of fulfilling your dream of having a family, the suddenness of the baby’s arrival can make the situation seem unreal and intense.
The best way to prepare for this emotional storm is to plan extensively, both practically and mentally. Social worker Zoe Cohen and her partner, Joan Nathanson, agree that this preparation can help new adoptive parents handle common fears, such as their inability to bond with the child or their shortcomings as parents. “We often see a phenomenon called ‘post placement depression’, which is a function of the sudden and dramatic changes in roles as well as the need to be a perfect parent,” they explain. Furthermore, a lot of adoptive parents fear that they won’t be able to love a child who isn’t biologically connected to them; there won’t be any comparisons of your hands and noses, for example. Your adoption practitioner’s input will be valuable here. “It’s especially important for couples who have been infertile to work through their emotions, so that they don’t feel that the child is a ‘booby prize’, but rather as the next best option to having a biological child,” says Zoe. Although the waiting period before your child arrives can be nerve wracking, try to embrace it as a good opportunity for addressing issues of this nature.
ALL ABOUT TRANSITION
You may also find yourself lamenting the fact that you weren’t able to participate in your child’s early months, and wondering if you’ll be able to form a bond with an older baby. In fact, says Zoe, this may actually work to your advantage as older children are more responsive; they have already started smiling, have established routines, and can communicate their needs – all of which makes your job as a mother much easier.
Preparing for your baby’s arrival can take different forms. Robyn found it helpful to visit Asha in her place of safety several times before bringing her home; not only because it helped her and her husband become acquainted with her
keep visiting until your child shows signs of wanting to be around you – eye contact, cuddling and smiling are all signs of acceptance and bonding
likes, habits and the other nuances they would have been familiar with if they had known her from birth, but also because it gave Asha a sense of security before she was taken to her new home. “Our social worker’s advice was to keep visiting until your child shows signs of wanting to be around you – eye contact, cuddling and smiling are all signs of acceptance and bonding,” she says.
Zoe and Joan agree that this is important, as the transition stage is a vital one. “You need to be prepared for how your child may react to her new environment,” they warn. In the meantime, it’s a good idea to familiarise yourself with age appropriate behaviour and developmental milestones, which may help you understand your child – especially if she is functioning at age that’s different to her chronological one.
DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU AND YOUR NEW FAMILY
Many parents find that the real challenges start once the child is home and, like Kerrin, the overwhelming love they expected to feel simply hasn’t arrived. Doing the practical tasks associated with childcare – like bathing and feeding – will certainly help, as you’ll establish yourself as the baby’s primary caregiver. That’s why most social workers emphasise this as a critical part of the bonding process. But remember that even biological parents sometimes struggle to form a bond at first. You can also share your concerns with your adoption practitioner. In Kerrin’s experience, the issue was resolved simply by the passage of time. “You have to be patient and take care not to place pressure on yourself, because it will happen in its own time,” she promises. Zoe echoes this sentiment: “Relationships need to grow. This is a function of shared time and experiences. You need to understand that this takes time. Give yourself permission to experience your feelings of confusion, and remember that this is normal.” If creating a structure and routine has little effect, consider seeking play therapy or family therapy.
Simple, practical steps can also go a long way to making you little one feel at home. If you already have another child, like Robyn, letting them share a room will give your adopted baby the companionship and noise she’s used to, which may help her settle sooner. After all, although we consider it a luxury to have your own room, the lack of a roommate may be lonely for a baby accustomed to the bustle of a place of safety.
Kerrin, meanwhile, satisfied her need for physicality – a sensation denied moms who haven’t been pregnant – by having constant contact with her baby. A sling or carrier will help create closeness, she says.
Finally, Zoe and Joan urge you to claim your baby. Beyond simply including her in your family’s traditions, so that she is able to find their role in your unit, this extends to claiming your ownership of her. As Joan says, “Allow yourself to feel a sense of entitlement – this is your child!” YB