HOW TO MOVE PAST A BAD BIRTH
In today’s world, we expect to have choices, and that includes choosing how we want to give birth. On one side of the “ideal birth” debate, feminists advocate for the rights of women to demand planned elective caesars. The other side equally passionately demands births free of medical interventions as the ideal. Wherever your preferences lie, there’s no question: birth has become political.
Your ancestors gave birth vaginally regardless of how anxious, fearful or squeamish that made them; alternatively they regularly died in childbirth of complications we now consider minor. The first caesarean section performed on a live woman was, depending on your sources, in 1500 or in 1610, but even by the late 1800s this operation was dangerous, with a high (up to 85 percent) incidence of maternal mortality. Given these conditions, nobody would have expected or received counselling or support for the trauma of a “merely” harrowing birth experience. But we live in gentler times.
Because we expect to be able to choose between waterbirths, home births, drug-free births, pain-free births or c-sections, we also have more opportunity to feel cheated should our wish not come true. But the fact is that even our best planning doesn’t always guarantee the desired outcome.
DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT
Natalie, a 36-year-old first time mother, dreamt of a natural waterbirth for her son, Oscar, but her doctor insisted on performing a c-section after a long labour that failed to progress. “Doulas and midwives were always telling me to trust my body because it could do what I was asking of it,” she says. “But here was a doctor telling me my baby was in distress and we had to have an emergency operation. It was hard to know who to trust, and who to blame. I am grateful that Oscar is safe and well. I suppose that is the most important thing. But I am very sad about how my birth turned out.”
Khosi, 28, booked an elective c-section because she was “afraid of the pain of vaginal childbirth. I liked having the choice – I felt more in control.” Nature had other plans, though, and Khosi went into labour before her planned c-section date. Despite rushing to the hospital, her doctor arrived too late to perform the operation. Khosi gave birth with no pain relief an hour later. “I know that for some people this is the ideal birth. But not for me,” Khosi insists. “I hadn’t prepared for natural birth. I was shocked by the pain and the bodily fluids. I think it has affected my bonding with my baby.”
The five stages of grief which Elizabeth Kübler-ross first famously documented are well known: in addition to denial, there are anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
2YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY AND PARTNER ARE ALSO AN IMPORTANT SOURCE OF COMFORT “Parents can sometimes turn on each other,” says Karin. “Rather draw on each other for support and find appropriate ways to express your feelings.”
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