Juysotufospoilryourself SPLITSVILLE THE REASONS WHY

The 10 most commonly reasons cited in the records of 500 divorce actions instituted in South Africa during 2011. both partners emotionally and sexually. If this doesn’t happen, a spouse may look elsewhere to have those needs filled.

wedding, but very little into preparing for the marriage itself. And this isn’t a good thing, because this is precisely when couples should be discussing what they’re going to deal with once they’re married – issues such as in-laws, finances, children and responsibilities.

HONEYMOON PHASE

“This comes straight after the ‘I do’,” says Thandazile. It’s during this phase that the couple form a strong bond of friendship and intimacy – a bond they’ll need later.

UNMASKING PHASE

This is when the husband discovers that his wife clips her toenails in bed, or the wife finds out that the husband always leaves his wet towel on the bathroom floor. It’s a very difficult phase, as it’s when disappointments, resentments and regrets are rife, says Thandazile, as the individuals in the marriage desperately try to change the other to be the picture of the ideal partner they’d envisioned before the marriage. “Sadly, some couples get stuck in this phase for years, even to the point of dissolving the marriage,” she adds.

RESHAPING PHASE

This, says Thandazile, is where “real marriage” begins. “The couple finds a way to navigate through their differences; both are willing to lay aside habits, opinions and other things that are compromising the marriage.” This is when each person learns and uses productive communication and problem solving skills.

Thandazile likens this phase to making a smoothie: “The whole fruits are blended, losing their original shape, to form a something totally different, yet one can still taste and smell the influence of each of the fruits in the smoothie.”

STABILITY

This is the stage that all couples aim for – when they finally realise they’re on the same team, and are able to help each other deal with difficulties and challenges.

AND BABY MAKES THREE…

One of the biggest changes that happen in any marriage is the arrival of children. It’s often at this stage that the cracks in a marriage widen to reveal a relationship that seems past saving – no matter where what stage you were in pre-baby.

“The arrival of a child, and especially an unplanned child, may exert a lot of emotional pressure on the parents,” says Thandazile. “The couple may be battling with a lot of other issues like the involvement of their extended families, financial issues, household responsibilities, and so forth, and the arrival of the child may just complicate those issues.”

She adds that fathers often feel neglected after the arrival of a new baby.

It’s not all bad news, though – having a baby can strengthen a relationship. “A child may bring a sense of achievement to the couple, who have together created a living being,” Thandazile points out.

However, having a child to “save a marriage” is not only unfair to the child but commonly results in the opposite being achieved, she warns.

DEALING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF KIDS If the arrival of a baby is putting strain on a relationship, there are a few basic steps couples should take to resolve the situation.

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