RAISING A STRONGWILLED CHILD

Having a child with a decidedly spirited streak is actually a good thing – yes, really!

Do the words stubborn, difficult or obstinate sound familiar? If your child is of the strongminded variety, you know just how difficult it can be to stay calm in the face of sometimes implacable opposition to whatever you say or do. These children can be very challenging to parent, but that headstrong personality is a good thing. If that strong will is channelled positively, these children are likely to grow up to be self-motivated, they pursue the goals that are important to them, and are very resistant to peer pressure. “That strong will your child shows is actually his biggest strength,” says educational psychologist Dr Jacqui von Cziffra-bergs. “This is an aspect of your child’s character, and you want it to stay. It’s not your child being defiant, naughty or obstinate.”

Getting into a power struggle with your obstinate child just isn’t worth the trouble it causes – in fact, it does more harm than good. “That asset they have, that internal strength that is going to do them so well in later life, is now being knocked down. First and foremost we must acknowledge that the strong will is actually your child’s best strength. You want to channel that characteristic and attribute of that child’s personality into a positive one where that child learns to work with people. As a parent, if you’re trying to break that strong will down, you risk that the child develops such a stronger will that they actually become people who are not likeable, because it’s their way or the highway – and we don’t like people like that,” cautions Dr von Cziffra-bergs.

INTRODUCE CHOICES

That’s all good and well, but how does one parent a headstrong tot positively? “The best way to work with them is to start introducing choices,” explains Dr von Cziffra-bergs. “The thing we want is a space where there is no resistance. Especially with a strong-willed child – you’ve got to use the strong will, but in a way that is acceptable to the family. One of the ways to do that is to give some control back to her. How do you do that? You need to give your child choices, but within the boundaries of what you want her to do – you can’t just give an open-ended choice. By offering your child choices, you move her from a ‘no’ mindset (as in, ‘I’m going to say No to everything you ask me to do’) to a ‘yes’ mindset. The minute you give the child choices, the minute you say that you are introducing the opportunity to say yes.”

PICK YOUR BATTLES

Arguments and frustration are often par for the course in your relationship with your decisive little one. Dr Laura Markham makes an astute observation: “You don’t have to attend every argument to which you’re invited!” This is invaluable advice for you. “The thing with a strong-willed