Starting preschool

It’s a big step in your child’s journey to independence, and it’s going to leave more than just one of you in tears

Most parents will agree tha t dropping their toddlers off at school for the first time is not easy. The floods of tears that you’ll face, and then have to turn your back on as you say goodbye and walk out that school gate for the first time will leave you feeling like the worst mother in the world. What you need to know, though, while you too sit in the car park and cry, is that you’re actually doing your child a favour by sending her to school. According to Cape Town-based registered counsellor Jodi Lord, who specialises in play therapy, “It’s vital for their independence and most children settle in time.” So unless your gut (and your child’s teacher) tells you that your child genuinely isn’t ready for school, you need to persevere, parents, because it does get better. We promise.

WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT

“You’re bound to get a reaction from a toddler starting school for the first time and there’ll definitely be some sort of emotional display that will manifest itself behaviourally,” says Jodi, who explains that your child may typically cry or become disengaged and act “tough” if she gets the sense that she’s being left or abandoned by you.

You may also have to deal with screaming matches when it’s time for you to leave the school or “a child that generally just doesn’t know how to be, as it’s probably one of the first times she’s ever been left with someone other than a family member or caregiver,” she says.

“It all boils down to separation anxiety,” says Jodi. “But the good news is, many child psychologists agree that the anxiety stems from the mother and not the child, so if you can control your anxiety and adjust your behaviour accordingly, you can help your child to settle in and feel less anxious too.”

What you don’t realise is that children pick up on their parents’ emotions without them even realising it. “Generally once the doors close the tears stop and the moms are the ones who’re left sobbing in their cars,” attests Tina Mclagan, a preschool teacher at Kiddies Paradise at St James in Kenilworth, Cape Town. “I genuinely think it’s harder for the moms than the kids.”

OTHER CHANGES TO EXPECT

Starting school will bring about huge changes in your child’s everyday routine. She will arrive home exhausted, and possibly even be too tired to eat – which is why you need to include a healthy, wholegrain snack in her lunchbox, or check what the school is feeding her.

“It’s very important for a toddler to go home for a nap if she’s finishing at around noon,” says Jodi, adding that if you find her day sleeps are affecting her night sleeps, then you needs to shorten her day sleeps.

CHANGES IN THEIR BEHAVIOUR

You can also expect behavioural changes in your child in those first few weeks, as sharing is a huge issue for toddlers and is something that they will have to learn to do at school, perhaps even for the first time. As a result, they’ll often come home frustrated and lash out at you.

But what can you do to help your child learn these skills once she starts school?

ANXIETY STEMS FROM THE MOTHER AND NOT THE CHILD, SO IF YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR ANXIETY AND ADJUST YOUR BEHAVIOUR ACCORDINGLY, YOU CAN HELP YOUR CHILD TO SETTLE IN AND FEEL LESS ANXIOUS TOO

“Children of this age learn through play and the best thing you can for her in the afternoons is let her be. Merely pointing out the colour of the grass or counting the petals on a daisy is enough for her for now,” is Jodi’s advice.

SETTLING IN WELL

Once you’ve got your emotions under wraps, you need to “prepare, prepare, prepare your child about going to school,” stresses Jodi. Good books that deal with starting school are available, such as First Day Jitters by Julie Danneberg (R78 at takealot.com) and The Night

Before First Grade (R50) by Natasha Wing. Read them to your toddler and reassure her that she’ll have fun at school.

“Make the prospect of school exciting and build it up for her,” urges Jodi. “Buy her new stationery and get her a new lunchbox and backpack that she picks out for herself. Children love new toys and anything new to take to school will be a novelty for her.”

It’s a also a good idea to attend the newcomers’ party or orientation day, and if you’re worried about your child not knowing anyone, “even to organise a playdate with one of the kids who’ll also be new at the school,” advises Tina.

Also, even if you’re only planning on sending your child to school two or three times a week, send them every day for the first week so that they get used to it. “We also find it’s also a good idea to phase children in – i.e., they shouldn’t all start on the same day in case there are lots of tears from all the new kids – and slowly lengthen their days,” she says.

Tina urges moms and dads not to linger at the school when dropping littlies off. “Bring your child in, hang up her bag, play with her for a few minutes, and then leave,” she says, adding that it’s imperative that you always say goodbye and never sneak off. If you do, your child may get upset later on that you’ve left. Also, make sure

that your goodbyes are short and sweet and once you’ve said goodbye, leave. “A long goodbye ritual is too much for everyone. I find that a special gesture, like a quick, secret wink or an air kiss is a better way to show that you’re on your way. Do it, and then go,” maintains Jodi.

HOW TO COPE

If your child is struggling to settle at school, it might be a good idea to send a transitional object with her for comfort – be it a special blanket, teddy, toy, dummy or even something of yours. This is something that many parents – especially ones of young toddlers – are now arranging to do with their child’s teacher. “Parents and teachers need to work together here, though, to ensure that the object doesn’t stay at school forever. Your child needs to understand that at some point, it’s going to have to stay at home,” says Jodi.

“Once you’ve prepared your child, then you need to go with it. Don’t pre-empt tears by asking her a hundred times before you leave if she’s okay,” says Jodi. “Even if you put on a brave face, your child’s connected to you subconsciously and feels your emotions. This is why you have to trust the teachers and believe that your child will be fine without you or her primary caregiver. Once you’ve done that, you need to pack up all your guilt in a suitcase and throw it away,” she insists. And then, you can go for coffee – alone!

REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL

The words, “I don’t want to go to school!” accompanied by little tears dropping into a bowl of chocolate Pronutro or a massive tantrum is a scene that has been played out in many a suburban home. And what mothers don’t realise, explains Jodi, is that when they reiterate just how much they miss their children when they’re at school – either when they drop them off or pick them up – the children actually start to feel sad for them. “Children have their own sense of guilt and worry that if they leave you at home you’ll be bored without them and miss them.

“It’s also all familiar and cosy for them at home, so of

Mothers don’t realise that, when they reiterate just how much they miss their children when they’re at school – either when they drop them off or pick them up – the children actually start to feel sad for them

course they’d rather be there where they can be safe, watch TV and get icecream,” she adds.

Often, it’s for this reason that children will induce nausea or vomiting to get out of going to school and you need to watch this closely. “This may sound harsh, but children can be manipulative,” says Jodi.

Bottom line? If your child is making herself sick and/ or refusing to go to school, you need to be very careful about giving in, as this means that you’re letting her call the shots. It’s vital that your child knows that you know what’s right for her.

“Unfortunately, in this instance, what’s right for the child is going to school and being independent, feeling uncomfortable, but getting over it, and learning a life skill. It’s an important developmental milestone. When the time comes to start a new (and even bigger) school, you can then remind her of when she started playschool, how scared she was, but how she settled in, made friends and had fun. You can draw on the time she ‘survived’.”

WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS

Many moms are convinced that their children are ready to start school, only to discover that they’re not. Every child is different, so you can’t say that after three weeks she should be fine, or that at two and a half, she will be ready. It really does depend on your child’s

age and stage and can often take anything from six weeks to a whole term to settle.

Some children can even cry for an entire year. “There’s no right or wrong answer and you need to check with your child’s teachers who, 99.9 percent of the time, know what they’re doing,” advises Jodi. “Teachers have seen so many children and they know when there’s a problem. You really just need to learn to trust the teacher, gauge with her, gauge with the system, and then make a decision. Sometimes, it’s a good idea to check with the assistant too to make sure that everything is okay or if there’s cause for concern.”

It’s also very important to let your child’s teacher know what’s going on at home. For example, are you going through a divorce, separation or any marital problems? Has there been a new baby or a death of a pet? The problem might only be temporary, and not necessitate stopping school. Remember, if you do, it’s not the end of the world and you can start again a few months later when the time is right. “Your child is not going to be scarred from a ‘bad’ first experience,” reassures Jodi.

A LONG GOODBYE RITUAL IS TOO MUCH FOR EVERYONE. A SPECIAL GESTURE, LIKE A QUICK, SECRET WINK OR AN AIR KISS IS A BETTER WAY TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE ON YOUR WAY. DO IT, AND THEN GO