AN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER

Having a kid has been an emotional rollercoaster. I don’t think I suffered from postnatal depression, but I was on an antipsychotic to stimulate milk supply from month 10 to 14 (my little one has food allergies and needed to stay on breastmilk, of which she drank a lot at daycare).

Now that I am coming off of the meds I wonder how much it really was helping to keep my mood up?

During the first few months I was asked if I wasn’t over the moon with my bundle of joy. I struggled to say yes. In all honesty I was just trying to survive one day to the next.

Next I struggled with the question of why people have kids. You literally lose everything (maybe it’s just me, but my life now just revolves around work and the little one). Is the point of having a kid those moments of joy you share with them? But those moments are honestly few and far between with a lot of the mundane in between.

Re-reading my words makes me ask the following question: What was I doing before having a child that was so amazing and that I miss so much now?

The only things that come to mind are working longer hours, and the freedom to go to markets and coffee shops and movies whenever I wanted with my husband.

The first answer just smacks of the fact that having done an MSC and PHD just taught me to feel guilty for not doing more. More of what you ask? Everything. So now I just feel guilty for not getting in a full day’s work.

This answer also speaks of the fact that I obviously don’t see raising a child as work, which it really is! I grew up in a family where you always had to be busy and doing something. Now that I have a kid I feel guilty because I’m not being productive while pushing her on a swing.

I need to realise that raising a child is the most productive thing I could be doing.

The second answer speaks of the fact that I have a child who took a long time to be okay with staying with other people and always wanted to be with me. This meant that time off alone with my husband is only a new thing now that she is older. I also struggled and still struggle because I felt guilty leaving her. I also feel guilty asking other people to give of their time to babysit, including grandparents.

I think my only way forward is to push aside the guilt, not entertain any such thoughts and just push them out of my head as they surface.

I need to be grateful for the small moments. Take it all in, stop and be present and enjoy every smile. I will start by keeping a gratitude journal and write in it every night. STEPHANIE ENSLIN, GLENHAZEL, JOHANNESBURG