Nothing but the truth
JANUARY & FEBRUARY 2018
THE REALITY IS THAT CHILDREN ARE OBSERVANT AND WILL FORM THEIR OWN OPINIONS, SO GIVE THEM THE APPROPRIATE TERMS AND EXPLANATIONS
OUR INQUISITIVE CHILDREN have a knack for homing in on the so-called tough questions, the issues they can tell grown-ups are uncomfortable about – such as race, sex, or death. The best policy is always to be honest and open, and to answer in age-appropriate ways. But what does that actually mean, and how do you know when your answer is too much, too soon?
BE HONEST
Taking the easy way out (for you!) can be tempting when your child is very young: “The stork brought you, ““Granny has gone on holiday for a long time,” or, “No, Sarah does not have two mommies, they are sisters who look after her.” But there are real disadvantages to telling such lies. As clinical psychologist Emma-kate Mccormack points out, “if your children can’t trust you, then who can they trust? They need to be respected as separate people, who don’t want to be lied to. Children are resilient and take their cue from parents. In other words, if the parent is able to speak about a difficult topic, rather than sweeping it under the carpet, that conveys the message to your child that difficult things can be thought and spoken about.”
Being honest also means that if you don’t know the answer to your child’s question, tell them, and if you promise to find out the answer, then make an effort to look it up or ask someone who may know the answer.
THE AGE-APPROPRIATE ANSWER
Parenting books and professionals will tell you to always answer your child’s questions in an age-appropriate manner. That is all fine and well, as long as you know what is “appropriate” for your child’s age. As Emma-kate explains, “Age-appropriate means that the child has the mental and emotional capacity to understand certain concepts. It is important to talk to your child at her level, as it can leave a child feeling anxious and overwhelmed when she hears information she cannot process. She will simply switch off if she is not ready to hear it.”
So bombarding your child with a scientific explanation of the X and Y chromosomes for baby-making can be as confusing as the idea that a big bird dropped her off at the front door.
“Think of this information-giving as laying a foundation from which children’s concepts will develop,” Emma-kate explains. “I don’t believe a two-year-old or even a six-year-old has a full understanding of a concept such as death, but gradually over time and through having conversations the child will start to grasp the concepts.”
Age-appropriateness is not a concrete set of rules. While in general most children of a certain age will be able to understand certain concepts, and not really grasp others, each child is an individual.
As you explain or answer your child’s questions, watch her reaction. If it seems that she does not really understand, then try a simpler explanation. Keep it simple.
FAMILY VALUES
Explaining certain topics in the context of a religious or cultural belief often makes things a bit easier, such as saying: “Granny is with God in heaven.” But before relying on these explanations, think carefully about whether they reflect the values you want your child to learn. “The other very important point is to consider what types of values you want to teach your child,” says Emma-kate. “If you value tolerance, non-judgment, diversity, and difference, it makes topics such as homosexuality much easier to understand for your child. In that case whether the family has three mothers, two dads, or one parent is not as important as how you and your child feel in that home.”
KEEP IT SIMPLE
We can easily read more into a child’s question or statement because of our own sensitiveness to a particular topic. In South Africa we are, quite rightly, given our past, very sensitive to issues of race and difference. So when your threeyear-old calls out in the doctor’s waiting room, “Look, Mom, the doctor has a brown face,” before you launch into a complicated explanation about equality and difference. Remember that, at three, your child is too young to understand the social meaning of race and is simply noticing a physical difference. She could just have easily called out, “Mom, that doctor has a red shirt on.”
“The reality is that children are observant and will form their own opinions, so give them the appropriate terms and explanations rather than letting them to try and make sense of their own,” says Emma-kate.
Also, if you keep in mind that you just need to answer the question that is asked, and that you don’t always need to launch into a long explanation. Then you are still respecting your child’s question or statement, without adding your own biases and prejudices.
ANSWER WHEN ASKED
For the most part you can answer your child’s difficult questions as they come up. You don’t need to have a sit-down, formal meeting about every topic.
There are times when life interferes and parents are forced to talk about certain topics, such as death and divorce, and then you need to balance your answers with honesty, your family values and having your child’s best interest at heart. When there is difficult information or news that your child does not need to know, ask advice from your GP, your child’s teacher or your therapist and make sure that you, the other parent, immediate family members and child carers are all on board with the same explanation.
PROTECTING YOUR CHILD
While honesty is the best policy, you need to take your child’s feelings into consideration.
In a divorce for example, you may be very angry with your partner and you may think he or she is untrustworthy, but it only serves to damage your child by talking negatively about your ex. It is also inappropriate for your child to comfort you, the adult, in times of grief.
KEEP AN EYE OUT
Giving age-appropriate, clear, short responses will usually reassure your child and reduce anxiety raised by a difficult topic, but you know your own child, so watch her response. If the news is delivered with care, her behaviour should not change. “Behaviours that could suggest the child is distressed are bedwetting, moodiness, separation anxiety, and aggression,” says Emma-kate. YB