Discipline traps to avoid
Oh no! Your child has pulled his sister’s ponytail again, ignored your order to take a bath or failed to clean up after himself. What to do to correct this, asks Susan Samuel
DO YOU SOUND like one of those moms you hoped never to become?
Your child keeps misbehaving over and over again and no amount of threatening or shouting brings an end to it? The next morning, like clockwork, the cycle starts again, and you’re back at yelling, threatening and even begging. Yet nothing helps – tomorrow all of this naughtiness is on repeat.
What if we told you that’s because the problem doesn’t lie with your child but with how discipline is applied?
Sometimes, parents get into the habit of shouting at our child the moment she misbehaves or saying something we immediately regret. Yeah, children have the knack of rubbing one up the wrong way, but as a parent you also know that it can damage your child’s self-image when you yell at her, speak in a mean way or belittle her by telling her she’s lazy, stupid or suchlike. Even if you apologise later, these comments are never really forgotten.
How to handle it
In the moment it might feel like the easier route is to scream and shout and get things over and done with, but it’s your responsibility to control yourself. You know the signs and what it feels like just before you raise your voice. Restrain yourself, count to 10, take a walk through the garden and calm down. Think about it this way: if yelling really worked, your child would have changed his behaviour already, right? Send your child to the naughty corner while you cool off. You don’t have to think of a fitting punishment right away, but make it clear there will be negative consequences, and calm down before you punish. Come up with a fitting punishment within your system of discipline – such as forfeiting pocket money or privileges.
SMACKING THE KIDS
Most parents grew up in an age when
corporal punishment was seen as acceptable. It was not only used in the home but also in schools. If you grew up in a home where corporal punishment was used, it’s quite difficult to exchange it for a method that’s perhaps less familiar and seems less effective. Yet discipline experts agree that parents shouldn’t hit their children, since it teaches them that hitting is okay, as long as you’re bigger and stronger.
How to handle it
You and your partner should work this out together. Read about smacking and understand that physical violence is abusive. Understand at the very least that it’s always unacceptable to smack your child in anger. Besides it being frightening for your child, you run the risk of doing permanent damage to your relationship.
Lots of literature convincingly argues against corporal punishment. Do you like to be hit? What would you do if you were punished with beatings at work? You’d sue the assaulter, right? Do you still remember how humiliating it was to be hit at school? You do? So stop hitting your children. Replace it with a method with which you’re comfortable, such as a reward chart, taking privileges away or using time-outs.
WHAT DOES THE LAW SAY?
According to the watchdog organisation the Parliamentary Monitoring Group, “the Department of Social Development has shared the draft Children’s Third Amendment Bill. The Bill proposes a number of amendments to the Children’s Act, including amendments: • To address inconsistencies within the Children’s Act • To introduce new definitions • To remove the common law defence of reasonable chastisement and prohibit corporal punishment in the home.” Comments and submissions were being received in September 2018. Therefore, it could shortly be illegal to use corporal punishment in your home on your children. Be aware.
EMPTY THREATS
Sometimes a parent outlines the terrible consequences that will come the way of the naughty child in order to scare them – but fails to follow through on any of them. This is the worst thing you can do! Your child will soon realise you don’t mean them, and the behaviour will continue.
How to handle it
When you make a rule, stick to it. Using the fewest words possible, make it clear what your child did wrong and what will definitely happen if he transgresses this rule again. Make eye contact when you explain the consequence, and conclude your story. Don’t keep on nagging. Your child heard you and must now decide if he will carry the consequences. If he decides not to listen, act there and then. Immediately take disciplinary steps, as per your previous discussion, without further explanation. No “buts” – and no further speeches from your side.
WHEN ‘NO’ ACTUALLY MEANS ‘YES’
Children become extremely frustrated when parents say no without thinking properly about their request. Sometimes, parents say no before the child has even finished speaking – especially with little ones who speak slowly. You might be able to pre-empt the request, but from your child’s perspective, you didn’t listen to the full request.
How to handle it
Listen. Think about it. Then answer your child. If you can’t say yes or no right away, tell your child you need time to think about it or that you want to chat with her about it first. If she insists on having an answer, you can make it clear that less time to weigh up the options or a constant nagging will lead to an immediate refusal of her request. Most children are happy to wait for an answer.
WHEN ‘MAYBE’ ACTUALLY MEANS ‘NO’
Your children ask for a sweetie the moment you walk into the shop. It’s late in the day, and there’s no way they’ll eat their dinner if they have sweets now. You also know that they could start nagging and even make a fuss if you refuse. What do you do? You say “maybe”.
In this way, you buy some extra time during which you hope to divert their attention from the request. From your child’s point of view, you didn’t keep to your word, and that is the impression they’re left with when they later remember that you never loaded the promised sweets into the trolley.
How to handle it
If you want your kids to stop nagging, muster up the energy to say no when you really mean it. Listen to the reaction
once, and calmly explain the negative disciplinary consequences if they should continue nagging and moaning – such as forfeiting privileges or fun activities.
WHEN YOU ASK RATHER THAN INSTRUCT
Your child won’t switch off the television and go and take a bath just because you asked nicely. A request gives your child a choice to react or not. Before you know it, you’re nagging – and she’s the one cracking the whip!
How to handle it
Stop to think before you speak. It’s important to use language correctly. If you want something done by a certain time, make it clear in your request. Say exactly what it is that you want and by when it should be done. Be clear and use simple terms, so that your child knows there is no choice involved here. If she doesn’t comply with your request, make the consequences clear. Be sure to carry them out – even if you have to stick a reminder on the fridge or put it on your phone!
WHEN ‘NOW’ ACTUALLY MEANS ‘WHENEVER’
Sometimes parents are a little vague about the exact time certain things need to happen. This could lead to conflict. Adults understand that “now” usually means “immediately”. But children don’t want to be disturbed when they’re busy with something pleasant, so “now” can mean anything but!
Children will say they were just about to do something, or were just busy preparing to do it. The truth is that they want to postpone for as long as possible.
How to handle it
Get a portable digital alarm clock or stopwatch, and use it! Kids react well to “beat the clock”, and will usually speed up with the help of the clock. They thrive on structure, and an alarm clock is one of the most efficient ways to order a day. It’s also one of the most fair ways to discipline your children: Say what has to be done, give the time frame, name the consequences when things don’t happen in time and set the clock.
WHEN THE CONSEQUENCES DON’T MATTER
It often happens that the ways in which parents punish their children aren’t really viewed as serious by the children. The period for which privileges are withdrawn could be too short, or other treats that weren’t in use can often replace the privileges that were removed. Mild and ineffective consequences mean that a child doesn’t really care about what might happen to her when she misbehaves.
How to handle it
Make the consequences count. If they don’t make your child take notice, you’re wasting your time. Time-out must be made longer, or an important pastime can be forfeited. You know your child and you usually know what she might experience as the worst punishment. If your child’s not allowed to watch television for an hour, it doesn’t help punishing her in the middle of the day when she can play outside instead. It’s much more efficient to plan that hour in a timeslot when her favourite show is on, or when everyone’s watching together.
Also make rewards interesting. Make privileges or pocket money hard to refuse – and bitter to forfeit because of bad behaviour. YB
A CLOCK IS ONE OF THE MOST EFFICIENT WAYS TO GET YOUR CHILD TO DO THINGS ON TIME