Being a black adoptee
Grappling with identity is par for the course for young people, but for black children with white parents it can be considerably more complex, writes Karen Read
CAILIN DAVIES is an 18-year-old from Cape Town. She has a 20-year-old sister; both are adopted.
“When I was very young, everyone thought I was black. Women would speak to me in Xhosa assuming I spoke it. Now everyone speaks to me in Afrikaans (assuming I’m coloured),” she says.
Asked what it has been like growing up as a transracial adoptee, Cailin says she has been bullied most of her school life. At the predominantly white primary school she went to, she was bullied by white kids while at the mostly coloured high school she used to go to, it was coloured kids.
“I obviously don’t act and speak the way most people my skin colour act and speak. So I get called ‘whitey’. That was the only thing about being a different colour to my parents,” she recalls.
She says the bullying started with her hair, which her parents kept short because, says her mother Michelle, they didn’t know how to work with it.
“We were so ‘white’ in the way we approached hair,” recalls Cailin’s dad, Alun. “If we could do it again, I’d find a community of African women (to do the girls’ hair) rather than some high-end salon. Because hair is a big deal.
“It plays a part in the formation of racial identity. Black women spend significant time together doing their hair,” he says.
“We’ve learnt that it’s a bonding time, a talking time,” adds Michelle.
CHOOSING A SCHOOL Now that she is at a school that is predominantly black, Cailin says she thinks black children of white parents are better off at schools that are racially diverse, and parents need to learn this.
“I don’t think parents think, ‘This school is too white for my brown child.’ They think, ‘This is a good [academic] school’,” says Cailin.
But white parents of children who don’t look like them may have to think more deeply about schools for their children.
“Choice of school is important because that’s where you spend most of your time,” Cailin says.
Having teachers of colour also gives transracial adoptees the opportunity to find role models that look like they do.
Angie Gibbs (not her real name), a single transracial adoptive mom in Cape Town, agrees that school choice is one of many everyday decisions that impact her adopted child and the formation of his racial identity. Angie considered where to live, where to shop and which families to socialise with. Her three-year-old son goes to a daycare where all of the teachers and the vast majority of children are people of colour.
“I chose the school largely for this reason. I know how powerful teachers are in a child’s life and I want my son to
have strong role models who look like him. His school has also afforded us an opportunity to forge friendships with families who are black and coloured. We do, however, have a racially diverse circle of friends. We’re also members of a church community which is mostly made up of people of colour; the couple leading our church is black.
“It’s so important to me that my son sees black people in positions of leadership and not servitude. Next year, the two of us will start Xhosa lessons. Some white friends have said it would make more sense for us to learn Afrikaans because it’s the most spoken language in the Western Cape, but that misses the point: most of the people who look like my son speak Xhosa and expect him to be able to speak it too. I want him to be able to hold his own among Xhosa-speaking people too,” says Angie.
DIVERSE SPACES
Alexa Russell Matthews is an adoptive mom and a social worker with a special interest in supporting families pre- and post-adoption. She says she and her husband are aware that a racially diverse social circle is key in fostering a positive sense of self in their son.
“We still have to navigate the differences in hair care and skin colour, as well as answer questions about these topics. These questions started when our son was two-and-a-half years old, so never doubt that kids see difference. It’s the meaning that we attach to these differences that we get to influence.
“We are intentional about being in diverse spaces and this includes the stories we read, the toys we play with, things we watch on screens and extramural activities. Our child’s godparents are people who can help him navigate the world in ways that we can’t as white parents, simply because we don’t have the experience that they do in this. Our son is aware of why his skin is different to ours – he knows his adoption story. We also don’t allow overt or subtle racism and have different ways of challenging it with the primary focus being: what will this mean for him to witness this.”
OUTINGS MATTER TOO Michelle agrees parents also need to be mindful about where the family spends their time. After a recent trip to a market at the Waterfront, Cailin noticed that the only people of colour around her were the workers. “It’s not like you get looked at differently, but you feel uncomfortable,” she explains. These social dynamics are way overdue for a change. But parents can also make an effort to ensure they frequent places as a family where, for instance, the white parents are in the overwhelming racial minority for a change.
Alun says transracial adoptive parents need to equip their children as best they can to deal with what they will come up against. “To stand up for yourself and deal with comments like ‘coconut’. I think we could have done better in that regard,” he says.
“I think we’ve turned out quite fine,” says Cailin. “Although I don’t know about you guys,” she quips affectionately. YB