HERE’S TO ALL MY NICU WARRIORS
On the 11th of July 2018 I gave birth to our beautiful daughter Carley Rose. Unfortunately my natural birth turned into an emergency C-section and my baby girl was rushed to the NICU.
I’m now a NICU mom to a beautiful healthy baby girl whom, at first, I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to bring home due to her lung infection. Up to this day I still remember vividly how each time my phone rang my heart would jump to my throat. How I would never stop worrying or crying whenever I received bad news. Funnily, I would also cry even when I’d receive good news or no news at all.
How I couldn’t dress my baby girl in all those adorable outfits I’d packed. Instead I’d watch tubes running all over her tiny body. I would carefully move wires, rearrange chairs and sit still for hours while she was tucked in my arms as I breastfed her whenever the chance availed itself. I used those moments to bond with her.
There were plenty of times I was afraid of touching her and would instead sit and cry. I was afraid to let go of my own teeny, weeny baby. I was afraid to get too attached also to that sweet little face who already had my heart. I was afraid she wasn’t getting attached enough to me since I couldn’t be there every minute of every day. My heart was always in two places at the same time as my toddler son needed me too. Whenever I was at the hospital it was so hard to leave, when I was at home it was also hard having to leave my son as he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed to see his sister or why mommy wasn’t giving him her all.
Guilt, fear, and sadness were always on a constant rotation.
The hospital corridor leading to the unit felt like it went on forever. I needed to be buzzed in to see my little girl!
My hands were always so dry and cracked from washing. The smell of sanitiser, to this day, makes me well up with tears and want to get sick. I still hear all those beeps from the machines even though we are both back home.
By God’s grace my baby was healed and released. The day we left the hospital with her, I felt like a little piece of me was left behind with the heroes and heroines at the NICU.
Your hero or heroine sits before you every day. As NICU mamas, we are a family of warriors. We are all fragile and each of our journeys is our own.
Do not feel weak when the smell of your baby brings you to your knees. It is just God’s gentle reminder that we should continue to be grateful for the wonderful gifts in our lives. ELISABETH MEYER, JOHANNESBURG