Good cop, bad cop

Having different discipline styles not only puts a strain on your relationship, it can be confusing for your kids. Sort it out now, writes Stacey Vee

“IT WAS JUST after 3am, and Obakeng*, our 12-week-old son, had been crying for what felt like an eternity, but it was probably only 15 or 20 minutes at the most. My husband and I had decided a few days before to move him to his own bedroom, which was right next to ours, so that we could all start getting a better night’s sleep,” explains Cape Town mom Oratile*.

“I wanted to rush into Obakeng’s room and cuddle him back to sleep. But my husband said we needed to be firm and let him soothe himself back to sleep. His attitude made me furious; we had a huge argument. That was the first time I realised that we might have different ideas on discipline and how to raise our kids. To be honest, at that moment, I was feeling unsure that I’d made the right decision to have a family with this man.”

DIFFERENT IDEAS ON DISCIPLINE

Oratile’s story is not uncommon. Many new moms and dads can relate.

“When you fall pregnant, you spend nine months preparing to start a family, but zero time preparing for a lifetime of parenting. After the birth, many parents find themselves drowning in reality,” says Steph Dawson-Cosser, a Johannesburg-based relationship coach.

As a new parent, you most likely assume that you’ll only need to start disciplining your children when they hit the toddler stage, and their personalities begin to develop.

It is also natural to assume that you and your life partner have the same ideas about raising your children.

But as Steph explains: “Often, the first time that you realise that perhaps you have very different ideas about discipline is when the baby is not sleeping, or there are feeding issues.”

How you and your partner decide to discipline your children comes down to your personal parenting styles.

CLUES IN YOUR OWN CHILDHOOD

“When it comes to your parenting style, you tend to revert back to what you’ve known, and the value system that you grew up with. This is, of course, unless you’ve made a very conscious decision to reject this system,” Steph says.

Your own childhood experiences become the foundation for the type of parent you want to be. However, what you learnt and experienced as a teenager and a young adult, when you were influenced by your peers, and then later, by society at large, will also shape you and your partner’s parenting styles.

WHAT’S YOUR STYLE?

Parenting styles cover a wide spectrum, with the very strict but often unaffectionate parent at one pole, and the negligent and uninvolved parent at the other.

The most widely known model – the “three parenting styles” one – is that of the late clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, known for her research on parenting styles and for her critique of the use of deception in psychological research.

While these models have been expanded on considerably over the years, they still remain the best basic tool to help you identify which type of parent you and your partner are, and what type of discipline you favour.

Authoritative, also called the democratic or balanced parenting,

this style also includes the concept of “emotion coaching”, where both parents and children are encouraged to recognise and express their feelings appropriately.

Authoritative parents express more warmth to their children than totalitarian parents, but still set rules and limits, and have a give-andtake parenting style. They expect their children to be responsible and accountable from an early age.

Most likely to

• Question behaviour first before handing out punishment.

• Explain the motives behind household rules and punishments.

• Allow mistakes to better understand life lessons.

Authoritarian, also called the totalitarian parent,

and including the perfectionist parent. It’s the kind of approach to parenting that Amy Chua focuses on in her well-known (and widely criticised) book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

Amy advocates for the traditional, strict upbringing favoured in Chinese families – with the argument being that Chinese children tend to be disciplined and academically successful.

Often the overly strict parent does not realise that the child sometimes does not feel loved or, worse, lives in fear of disappointing you.

This is because the authoritarian parent’s mantra is: “I’m only doing this because I love you,” Steph explains.

Most likely to

• Expect orders to be obeyed. • Have a punishment-andreward system.

• Mete out physical punishments.

Permissive, also called indulgent or freerange parenting,

this type of parent is lenient and forgiving.

A helicopter parent “hovers” and is over-protective in the extreme,

OFTEN, THE FIRST TIME THAT YOU REALISE THAT PERHAPS YOU HAVE VERY DIFFERENT IDEAS ABOUT DISCIPLINE IS WHEN THE BABY IS NOT SLEEPING, OR THERE ARE FEEDING ISSUES

anticipating the child’s every need and meeting it. This can undermine the child’s self-esteem, as they don’t feel they are capable of doing anything for themselves.

Most likely to

• Easily forgive bad behaviour by making excuses for the child.

• Not hold a child accountable for any misconduct or discretions.

• Have very few recognised “rules of the house”.

FIVE TIPS TO GET ON THE SAME PAGE

1 Talk about your own childhood and how you were raised. “Have the grace to listen to your partner describe childhood experiences,” Steph says. It helps you both have a better understanding of the roots of your parenting and discipline styles.

2 Find common ground. “And remember, the environment in which you raise your children will not be the same as your parents’.”

3 Verbalise what kind of child you want to raise, and “Don’t just assume your partner wants the same.” There’s nothing wrong with hoping to raise a star student, but make sure that you express your hopes out loud.

4 Consult with each other. “If, for example, your child asks if they can sleep over at a friend’s house, and you aren’t sure how your partner will feel about it, you can say: ‘Let me speak to your dad first.’ Then make sure to come back to the child with an answer.” 5 Assess your discipline techniques. “You and your partner need to constantly step back and gauge how your joint approach is working for the child. It’s important to parent appropriately for the right stage of life. Your approach might seem right for the child’s age but not necessarily be a good fit for the stage the child is at emotionally. Each child develops differently.”