Learning the importance of sharing

Is ‘mine! mine!’ an endless chorus in your house? Is there war in the children’s room every time a friend comes over to play? Then it’s time to teach your child one of life’s most important (and most difficult!) lessons – to share, writes Shanda Luyt

YOU AND YOUR FRIEND barely sit down when the blood-curdling screams start. You rush out to see who’s hurt, only to find your two children, each determinedly tugging on one arm of a doll while screaming loudly.

It’s a scene that plays itself out in thousands of homes every single day, but that does not stop parents from feeling frustrated and embarrassed about it.

Being charitable is a sophisticated skill and not something that comes naturally to a small child – but with your support and encouragement, he’ll slowly start sharing like a boss. As adults we understand too well how important the ability to share is for our toddler’s future social skill set.

Dr Magdaleen Carstens, a child psychologist (and mom) from Pretoria, says sharing is one of the most difficult but also most important concepts a child needs to learn and master.

“If he can’t get it right, he’s going to struggle a lot socially. A part of it is about giving and taking – not only of physical things like sweets and toys, but also about emotions, like giving and receiving attention,” she explains.

Hettie Redelinghuys, an educational psychologist from Bloemfontein, says when children learn to share, they are prepared, from a young age, for life and relationships.

“They learn to notice the needs of others and show sympathy. They also learn how to set personal boundaries, because they don’t need to share everything,” she adds.

WHEN CAN A TODDLER LEARN TO SHARE?

Magdaleen says it’s difficult to determine exactly when you can expect your child to start sharing, because children are different in terms of development and reaching their milestones. What is important, is that this ability grows, she says. “The older a child becomes, the more he should be able to share.”

This ability is influenced by things like age, emotional development, the example he sees at home and where he fits into the family. Oldest children usually struggle to share more than second and third children.

Littlies

A one-year-old has no understanding of sharing because he is his whole world, and he doesn’t worry about the feelings of others, Hettie says.

“He lives in the here and now. So if you ask him to share his toys, it will feel like you’re giving them away forever,” Magdaleen says.

You’ll constantly have to mediate between small children, especially if you need to protect them from each other! You can distract them, separate them, or remove the toy causing the trouble.

Toddlers

Two- to three-year-olds are much more able to play together than younger children. What your child learns at home becomes important, Hettie says.

A child who experiences love and respect at home will be friendly and selfconfident toward his friends. If he’s getting the message that he’s worthless or that the world is dangerous and unpredictable, it will be harder for him to share.

Also be careful of molly-coddling: If family life only centres on your child and he gets his every wish, he’ll expect his friends to do the same.

Children also play better together if there are only two of them, and if play is not too structured. It’s also easier for you to keep an eye in this way. By three years old, many children are ready to share some of their toys, says Hettie.

“But they don’t really understand why it’s important, and they don’t have a lot of patience,” she adds.

At this stage, you can teach them to take five-minute turns to play with a toy.

Don’t go on too much about how important it is to share, because they won’t really understand. Rather show them how it works.

Preschoolers

They should be able to share and take turns, Hettie says – but supervision is still necessary! Four-year-olds can be very bossy at times.

If you see this happening, take your child aside and remind him of good manners and how relationships work.

EIGHT GOLDEN SECRETS OF SHARING

1 Your child does not need to share every last thing that is his. Allow him a few things just for himself. These can be packed away when friends visit, so that no one else can play with them. Just remember that there needs to be more toys for everyone than special toys for just your child.

2 From an early age, teach your child what sharing is, like during mealtimes: “One bite is for you, and one for me.”

3 Set boundaries for your child, so that he realises life is not all about him. Even your one-year-old can learn to wait a little: “Storytime is after dinner. I’m busy cooking and can’t read to you now.”

4 Involve him in buying birthday presents. Let him choose a present and give it to a friend.

5 When you’re dishing out sweets, get your child to give one to his friend, rather than you giving each child a sweet.

6 Praise him when he plays nicely with other children. Be specific: “I like that you gave Rajesh a turn to ride your bike.”

7 Prepare your child if friends come over, and that he’ll have to share his toys.

8 Before the friends arrive, decide together which toys he’s willing to share and which ones should rather be put away. He feels in control, but he still learns the right principle.