Toddler Q&A
Q:My husband and I have always had a volatile relationship, and we end up fighting in front of our children quite often. They are four and two, and we also have a baby of six months. I often worry about the effect our fighting could have on them.
A:It’s normal for couples to have different opinions, feelings and expectations about things, but it’s important to find a constructive way to negotiate these differences in a nonthreatening and respectful way.
When it becomes heated and hurtful, the conflict will take its toll on the couple’s relationship as well as the family.
Your children will learn that difference cannot be tolerated, and that conflict leads to shouting and hurt feelings. This will not give them the necessary life skills to cope with difference and diversity. Furthermore, young children rely on their parents to feel safe. If you or your spouse is out of control, your children will not feel safe with either of you. Alternatively, your children might experience conflict as part and parcel of connecting with each
other. They could start to mirror this in their friendships. This is to be avoided. Here are some suggestions:
• Deal with conflict respectfully. You and your spouse may feel the need to respond to each other immediately, but try to slow down the process. Tell your spouse that what he has said is very important and you will think it over and get back to him when you have worked out how you feel and what you think. This models an alternative way of dealing with conflict.
• Think about what you can do when you are angry (physical exercise is said to be very helpful). Then discuss this with your two older children. Remember, everyone has angry feelings. They are not bad; in fact, they sometimes help us define who we are and who we are not, or what we will and won’t do. However, acting out our angry feelings is not helpful.
• Teach your children about “difference’’ and “sameness’’. Sometimes we are the same, and sometimes we are different. This is a life skill that is learnt. If Mom and
Dad don’t have the same ideas about things, it’s okay.