Friendships after baby
Do they really stay the same?
My good friend Shani came to visit three weeks after my first baby was born. She was barely through the door – her own two children, aged five and three, in tow – when it started: “You put him in that carrier? It’s really bad for his back – he could
struggle to walk one day.” I was still adjusting to sleep deprivation, baby blues, and the thought, which I tried to repress, “What have I done with my life?” The last thing I needed were judgemental remarks from my friends. But after the birth of a baby, so many things change, including one’s support structures, says Riette du Preez, a clinical psychologist working in Johannesburg. She says, “Many of these changes can be rewarding and fulfilling, but they can also represent a loss. In close friendships, changes can be quite significant, especially in the beginning when mothers are naturally preoccupied with their newborn baby.”
LESS TIME, LESS SOCIALISING
Alice* works as a fulltime writer in Cape Town. When her first child was born, she said her social life unexpectedly dried up. “I’d always been very social, but after the birth of my child my friends stopped contacting me. I suppose they realised my baby was my first priority, and they were probably trying to help me – but it didn’t feel like that. I just felt this sudden vacuum where once I’d been in the centre of things.” On an online survey of nearly 1 000 mothers and fathers, parents.com found that only 54 percent of women felt satisfied with their friends after having children, whereas the percentage of satisfaction hovered at 69 percent before having kids. The problem, claimed the survey, was reduced time: before having children, women reportedly spent 14 hours with friends each week, but that number dropped to five hours a week after giving birth.
MAKING IT WORK
“But friendships can be a significant source of support for any new mother,” says Riette. “Especially where there’s genuine empathy and understanding, regardless of whether the person is a mother herself.” She says it’s important to give yourself time to adjust, especially after the birth of your baby. It may be difficult to assess whether a friendship is essentially supportive or not, simply because you may be feeling torn between competing demands, from friends, your baby, and your desire for time for yourself. Try to retain some sense of balance. One way to do this is to spend time with friends, without your baby (if this is possible). This is crucial not only for maintaining your friendships, but also for maintaining your identity. It’s all too easy to get sucked into the identity of “a mom” after having a child, but you are so much more than that – you’re a sister, friend, wife, partner or colleague. You’re you. When you do get the opportunity to spend time with your friends, try to communicate openly with them about your emotional experience as a new mom. This can help them to understand what you’re going through. “Their emotional reaction to the change in your life, whether it be irritation, frustration or even anger, isn’t your responsibility. They have to deal with their own emotions; this is not your job. You can only do your best to invest time in your friendships. A friend who remains irritated by your lack of attention or who remains envious of your baby, despite your efforts, isn’t worth it,” says Riette. In the case of childless friends, Riette acknowledges that it can be tricky. Try to remember the foundation of your friendship – what connected you before you had children. Often, with new moms, they are understandably preoccupied with their newborns. This maternal mental preoccupation can be a frustrating barrier for friends who don’t have children – this could even be the case for friends with much older children. “Be mindful of this and make an effort to talk about things other than your baby, even though it may be hard to do so,” she adds. Friendship is often about staying involved in each other’s lives, even if those lives don’t always connect. It’s also about adopting a non-judgemental attitude. Honestly, my friendship with Shani never recovered. It went the same sad way as my prebaby Saturday morning lie-ins. But all is not lost, because many new and fascinating people have come into my life, often as a consequence of having had children. Friendships are one of life’s great joys, not only because of the companionship, empathy and humour of any authentic friendship, but also because of how much they teach us about ourselves.