Last laugh

In the hurly-burly of pregnancy, sometimes it really is best to follow your nose, writes father-of-three Craig Bishop

I WAS READING an article the other day that claimed that not only does God exist, but that She has a great sense of humour. The article pointed to the existence of the duck-billed platypus as proof. This muchmaligned Australian creature is part reptile, part mammal, part bird, and is probably the closest living thing to Julia Donaldson’s Gruffalo, even down to poisonous prickles (admittedly not on its back, but on its hind legs). There is simply no way, so the argument goes, that the otherwise pedantic machinery of evolution could have allowed such a contradiction to survive. As such, evolution is fake news and God is still an omnipotent being, albeit one who is subject to uncontrollable fits of giggles. Google it for more fun platypus facts. DNA sampling of this magnificent mystery reveals that while we humans have only two sex chromosomes, the X and Y, the platypus has 10, with five of each kind. In theory, although not borne out in practice, this means that there could be 25 different genders for the humble platypus. Only a female God, says researchers, could have conceived of such fluid potential. Be that as it may, my own research, conducted at the coal-face as it were of three successive pregnancies, tends to suggest that God certainly does exist. After all, to paraphrase Romance poet William Blake, what other immortal hand or eye could have conceived of such awe-inspiring symmetry as the foetus? However, God is definitely male. Sorry. Science will out. Why am I so sure? It’s all to do with the butt pillow. What is a butt pillow? The butt pillow is an offshoot of those other bitterly opposed factions – the Loud but Proud school of thought, or the Silent but Violent discipline. The former holds that, if you supply it, don’t try deny it. The latter hold that if you fart on a couch, it doesn’t stink as much. Whoever holds the truth, a butt pillow really comes into its own once mom-to-be finally admits that she farts. Like a trooper. All day. It’s perfectly natural. Mom is producing loads of extra progesterone, basically a growth steroid for baby, which has the unfortunate side-effect of slowing digestion down. See – only a male God would have overlooked that one. A female God would never have allowed women to fart, and certainly not 15 times more frequently than an average human being, according to one uncontested Facebook meme. If God was female men would menstruate, maternity leave would last 10 years (at double pay for being such a hero), and it would be perfectly all right to covet thy neighbour’s new ivory-coloured Smeg blender. Anyway, be all that as it may. Once, miracle of miracles, mom-to-be has acknowledged that she now has the ability to drag her husband out of a much-needed deep sleep by the power of her farts alone (we’ll cover pregnancy snoring in another article), now hubby can get to grips with that God-given talent. Yes, you can try to avoid food cravings. You can try eating six smaller meals each day. You can chew gum, sit up straighter when you eat and do mild exercise after each meal. But these are all fairy-gold promises. What you now need to invest in is the butt pillow. Any old pillow or cushion will do. Then, when you go to sleep, point that orifice away from your husband, strap the buttpillow to your derrière and sleep the sleep of a thousand innocents.

WHOEVER HOLDS THE TRUTH, A BUTT PILLOW REALLY COMES INTO ITS OWN ONCE MOM-TO-BE FINALLY ADMITS THAT SHE FARTS