Month four When baby makes three

Having a baby can affect your relationship in many ways. Here’s how to prepare, writes Cara Blackie

NEW COUPLES SEEM to experience a roller-coaster ride of emotions and new experiences when they find out they are expecting. So often, those nine months are spent preparing for the arrival of your baby by reading books, taking classes and getting all the essential supplies, that you rarely think about the effect of a baby on your marriage – and how your marriage will affect your baby. There are often the essential “tick off the list” tasks that need to be done before your baby is due. However, it’s important to sit down as a couple and talk about the more complicated tasks and feelings that may arise before and after your baby is born. Here are a few important things to discuss as a couple: BABY BUMP CHATTER 1 PARENTING STYLES It’s vitally important to take into consideration each other’s thoughts on parenting. As children, you were both raised in different households with different rules and points of view, plus you’ll have different feelings about how you were parented as a child. Often conflict can arise when one parent frowns on the other one’s parenting style. For instance, some will feel that they need to let their child self-soothe at night, while others feel that constant comfort and affection will help their child fall asleep. These different views stem from how each parent was raised and what they feel comfortable with. The earlier these issues are brought up and talked about, the less conflict and annoyance there will be when baby arrives. 2 EMOTIONAL HIGHS AND LOWS You will start to experience both physical and emotional changes during your pregnancy. You may even start to feel less attractive towards the end of your pregnancy as your body changes more drastically. This can lead to tension in your marriage and your partner may need to start reassuring and supporting you more. You may also be extremely fearful about the health of your unborn baby. Don’t forget that more often than not your husband also has a very protective stance. Fathers, just like mothers, bring their own emotional baggage, fears and worries to a pregnancy. Often fatherhood brings up emotions and memories of the man’s childhood and what it felt like to be a son. It may be difficult for your partner to admit these feelings openly as he may be worried about hurting or offending you. Yet these feelings are pretty much universal and can affect your relationship if they are not addressed or talked about. Research indicates that more than one out of ten fathers will have an emotional

or psychological symptom related to the pregnancy. But these feelings are often not expressed or shared which can result in parents having these intense emotions all alone, in isolation. It’s also important for you to be aware of your stress hormones during pregnancy, as this can have an effect on your baby’s developing nervous system. Talking about what you may be feeling or what you are worried about will help reduce overall stress as well as allow a more understanding relationship to develop. 3 IMPACT ON FATHERS Often mothers are seen to be the most important person in an infant’s life, as without the mother they could not physically develop. However, expectant fathers play a huge role in the development of their baby as well as supporting their wives during this time. Many expecting fathers undergo psychological changes during the pregnancy. Research has shown that during pregnancy and even after the baby is born most fathers’ hormone levels fluctuate. These hormonal shifts are sparked by the exposure to the mothers’ hormones and may also prepare them, in some ways, for parenthood. It’s very helpful for fathers to be more involved in the prenatal visits as this allows them to develop a greater knowledge and understanding of what pregnancy involves and what to expect once the baby is born. 4RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES No marriage is perfect and some marriages will survive parenthood better than others. But try your best. It’s important as a couple to talk about and deal with any difficulties that arose before you became expecting parents. Parenthood will just add more hurdles to jump over – the more secure your relationship is the easier the transition into parenthood becomes. If there are more complicated and challenging issues to address then often a marriage or couples therapist can assist to act as a mediator and provide a non-judgemental space for communication to occur. THEN THE BABY ARRIVES 1SLEEP DEPRIVATION The most difficult adjustment once your baby is born is dealing with the lack of sleep. Newborns will often only sleep for a few hours at a time and when your baby is awake you both will probably be up. Sleep deprivation sinks your mood, and makes it harder to cope effectively with stress, and intensifies mood swings and anxiety. 2JEALOUSY Babies can cause actual jealousy between parents. Sometimes fathers get jealous when their wives spends all their time with the baby. As a result fathers often feel like a third wheel and may feel like they don’t have a role in the upbringing of the baby. This can then result in the father backing away from the mother, causing a split in their relationship. Even though the father’s physical role (breastfeeding, for example) is less important in the first few months, their emotional and supportive role is absolutely vital. You may need that emotional support at this stage and may require other tasks to be done to assist you so you don’t feel overwhelmed. Your partner could make a special effort in housework, for instance, to take extra stress off you after the baby is born. 3FAMILY WOES Extended family members and friends can be a huge support system for both parents but at times their constant advice and visits can also cause parental stress. Advice is helpful but parents need to trust their own instincts and their own parenting skills when bringing up their baby. Constant visits can also place strain on your relationship, so drawing up a schedule for visitation can often be helpful to give yourselves some time to be alone as a couple. 4COMMUNICATION IS VITAL Communication is the best tool to help defuse anger and prevent arguments that may arise. As parents you can often get so caught up in caring for your baby that you may forget to talk to each other. This results in small annoyances developing into huge arguments. Often, all it takes to clear up a misunderstanding is to see things from the other person’s point of view. This will often involve the designation of roles and chores around the house. It’s helpful to sit down and talk about who is doing what around the house. It’s important to compromise as both parents will be stressed with work and caring for the baby. Try not to argue around your baby or young child, but if you do it’s important to make sure they also see you make up and resolve your conflict. Babies are highly susceptible to their environment and pick up on their mother’s emotional state in particular. So when mothers become distressed their baby will become distressed too. This can then result in other difficulties with your baby like them struggling to sleep, eat or settling down for example. 5SEXUAL INTIMACY Sexual intimacy often declines after having a baby and this can negatively affect your relationship. Also, with the new schedules and lack of sleep, finding the time to be intimate is very difficult. However, if either party views the lack of intimacy as a sign of rejection then difficulties in the relationship may arise. Doctors say a woman should abstain from intercourse for four to six weeks after childbirth. Even after that time some women may fear that intercourse will now be painful. As a couple you will need to find other ways to be intimate during this time, such as kissing, or snuggling, and to connect emotionally with each other. TAKE A DEEP BREATH It may seem at times that expecting your first baby almost inevitably places a strain on your relationship. However, the birth of your child can also bond you as a couple if you are able to communicate and assist each other through all the ups and downs of parenthood. Your shared love for your baby, which is unique to the two of you, can make you closer and give you more motivation than ever to make your relationship work well for years to come. Overall, as new parents it’s important to enjoy the time you have with each other and your new baby.