A WIDE BERTH

A quiz for the hairier one in your preg­nancy. Fa­ther-of-three Craig Bishop at­tempts to sift out the Peter Pa­ter­nals from the Roger Run-Aways

Your Pregnancy - - Pregnancy Files -

HOW BEST TO PRE­PARE a woman for preg­nancy and birth, asks an old adage? Stick a large bean­bag down the front of her jersey, leave it there and then af­ter nine months re­move five per­cent of the beans. It’s a hu­mor­ous ac­knowl­edge­ment that, left to it­self, a woman’s body will get 95 per­cent of the whole baby-mak­ing mir­a­cle done on au­tocue, leav­ing, of course, that glo­ri­ous baby bump for just a lit­tle bit of post-par­tum pos­ter­ity. (And pos­te­rior, some­times, too.) A dad on the other hand has no such in-built cruise con­trol. We need a de­tailed road map, and we’ll NEVER ad­mit when we’re lost. Here’s a quiz to es­tab­lish whether your hairy part­ner needs to groom his pa­ter­nal in­stincts. (Dads, here’s a quick, help­ful tip to get you in the mood. Buy the chemist, the su­per­mar­ket man­ager and three school prin­ci­pals each a first class round-the­world plane ticket. That’s how much con­trol you’re now gonna have over your wal­let. Still breath­ing? Right, here we go.) 1 WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A SON OR A DAUGH­TER? Hah! Trick ques­tion. You will bloody well wor­ship what­ever comes out the busi­ness end of your soul­mate. 2 WHAT DO MA­CLAREN, CHICCO BRAVO AND AUSTLEN EN­TOURAGE ALL HAVE IN COM­MON? a. Racing leg­end Lewis Hamil­ton drove each of these to vic­tory in the 2004 Bul­gar­ian Grand Prix. b. These are all for­eign brands of off-road SUVs. c. They are all sturdy, re­li­able pram brands that your wife has tire­lessly re­searched while you were watch­ing the cricket. 3 HOW SOON AF­TER GIV­ING BIRTH CAN YOU START HAV­ING SEX AGAIN? a. Two to six weeks. b. Two to six years. c. Slow down, tiger. Your love kit­ten will let you know when she’s good and ready, thank you very much. 4 HOW LONG SHOULD YOU LET A BABY CRY? a. Be­tween five and 10 min­utes if you want them to play scrumhalf for their coun­try. b. No longer than 15 min­utes if you want them to be pres­i­dent one day. c. What is it about the Five Ss (swad­dle, side/stom­ach, shush, swing, suck) that de­feats you so much, you heart­less brute? 5 HOW OFTEN DOES THE AV­ER­AGE NEW­BORN EAT EACH DAY? a. Only once if you give it pizza first thing in the morn­ing. b. Sorry, what was the ques­tion? Let me turn down the cricket. c. Well, let me see. I made my wife five hun­dred cups of tea to­day – one for each time she breast­fed. of hum­mus. No. Bums ter­rify me. I’m on med­i­ca­tion for it. 6 CAN YOU HAN­DLE POO NAP­PIES? a. Yes, I once watched 45 min­utes Amer­ica’s Dirt­i­est Jobs while eat­ing b.

c. Oh, grow up. For the first six months it’s no worse than Di­jon mus­tard, and, af­ter that – well, you’re hope­lessly in love with the lit­tle guy. 7 WHAT ARE THE BABY BLUES? a. Frank Si­na­tra’s eyes. b. An old Ray Charles jazz classic the gy­nae was hum­ming in the de­liv­ery room. c. Mother Na­ture’s in­cred­i­ble way of re-boot­ing a woman’s mummy but­tons, while daddy makes lots of cups of tea and brings tis­sues, choco­late and pink, fleecy blan­kets right now, dammit. 8 WHAT IS THE PUR­POSE OF AN­TE­NA­TAL CLASSES? a. It’s for chicks to eat choco­late cake and gig­gle about their men­folk’s un­san­i­tary bath­room habits. b. That sort of fem­i­nine voodoo ter­ri­fies me. The phrase “mu­cous plug” in­stantly shuts down my cen­tral ner­vous sys­tem. c. To demon­strate res­o­lute sol­i­dar­ity with mum, and to mas­ter the Five Ss. 9 HOW LONG BE­FORE MY WIFE LOSES HER EX­TRA, AHEM, BABY WEIGHT? a. De­pend­ing on how many fam­ily-sized pack­ets of crisps she has got­ten used to putting away each day, like a pro­fes­sional, a good seven months. b. Who ate all the cook­ies? c. As soon as you give her the space to put baby down, catch her breath and re­sume the epit­ome of all-pow­er­ful wom­an­hood that you fell in love with. Be­sides, ex­tra what??? 10 FAST-FOR­WARD 12 YEARS AND YOUR CHILD IS HIGH-TACK­LED BY AN OFF­SIDE FLY­HALF DUR­ING A CRIT­I­CAL UNDER 13S RUGBY MATCH. THE REF IG­NORES THE BLA­TANT PENALTY. HOW DO YOU RE­ACT? a. Loudly ac­cuse the ref of be­ing blinder than an Aus­tralian jour­nal­ist. b. Storm the pitch in your 2008 Bok T-Shirt and be­come an overnight in­ter­net sen­sa­tion. c. De­sign a con­flict res­o­lu­tion dio­rama for this evening’s home­work. d. All of the above.

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