Last laugh: A rum old time
So it’s not just the turkey you have in the oven this festive season? Strictly speaking, this is the backward way to do things, writes father-of-three Craig Bishop
STATISTICALLY YOU are in fact supposed to be conceiving at the moment, as opposed to gestating. (I’m hearing something about ships having sailed…) Science can’t quite agree whether this is because cold weather and changes in the length of daylight hours makes for healthier sperm, or because you got horny under the mistletoe and ended up face down in the eggnog while hubby got his fumble on. Ah, but, but, but, you say, this is the southern hemisphere. It’s 35 degrees in the shade outside and there are no daylight saving hours here. My man’s swimmers should be reclining by the pool with their shades on, mojitos in hand, all somnolent with heat, not huddled up with anoraks and a goget-her attitude. Well, I can’t explain why so many women are pregnant right now. In the mistletoe theory, claiming your kiss under the mistletoe is likely to lead to what naturally comes next. And that’s how it should be, because it’s a magical time of year to have a bun in the oven. Remember the virgin birth? If you’re religiously or spiritually inclined, then it can be special to be pregnant at the same time Jesus’ mother was. Back to the magic, though. Millions of people all around the world are getting their Yuletide groove on. You however have to be a wee (excuse the pun) bit careful. In many ways, you are in fact putting the No back into Noel. No cocktails for you at the office party. No seasonal rum snifters. No runny, stinky cheese. No sushi dates with the girls. No cool presents to look forward to – every single gift will be for baby, not you. And if you are more than seven months pregnant, no flying off to exotic locales with hubby. But there are some unique benefits too. And it’s worthwhile focusing on these as the temperature soars, as your workmates collapse into the rum-laded punch and as every other woman on the planet appears to have lost 5kg overnight. (Well, I say “lost”. It obviously isn’t lost because you apparently found those missing kilograms. Overnight.) You get to add some cool, new, hipster names to your baby names list, and no one can say a word. Robin, Holly, Eve, Angel, Berry and Abigail come to mind. (Abigail was the third wife of King David of Royal City fame.) And if it’s a boy – Rudolph, Jack (as in Frost), Joseph (as in bemused) and Yule (as in future pop star). Equally cool – you have a brand new excuse for when you don’t want to go round to your in-laws or shopping or jogging or do the washing up – blame it on the morning sickness, which as we all know is anything but confined to the mornings. Put those swollen ankles up and relax, I say! No living creature will dare come between you and the tin of Quality Street and/or pickles. But best of all, and I leave this for last because it really is bestest ever. When no one is watching, or even when the whole world is watching, you get to hug your bump and wish your baby his or her first ever Happy Christmas.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD ARE GETTING THEIR YULETIDE GROOVE ON. YOU, HOWEVER, HAVE TO BE A WEE (EXCUSE THE PUN) BIT CAREFUL