The essential role of your partner in birth
Birth can feel like a one-person job, but a loving partner can make all the difference in the delivery room, writes Samantha Steele
A SECURE PARTNERSHIP is your strongest asset through pregnancy and birth. Yet for many of us, the journey to motherhood can feel lonely. After all, how much can your partner truly understand about this tiny life growing inside you, the changes your body’s going through – and your imminent birth experience? And what is the role of a partner through these experiences? Quite simply, “The partner’s role is to support their partner physically, emotionally and spiritually,” says Dr Heather Allan-Gould, a gynaecologist based in Sandton.
That is easier said than done. Your birth partner might not be sure how to get involved without being intrusive, and help without getting in the way. And, most of all, they probably don’t know how to best support an intense and often painful experience? Added to this, many of us don’t realise that labour can be scary and overwhelming for our partners – to see a person they might love very much go through the pain of childbirth and know that there is very little they can do about it… “Even though I’m an experienced doctor, and I’ve seen many women give birth, I felt very helpless seeing Kyla in pain and not really being able to do much to alleviate that for her,” Dr Yair Edinburg, a Joburg-based GP, explains about their birthing experience.
YOUR TRAVEL GUIDE?
Surprises, emergencies and curveballs are all part of the typical birth experience. This is why several experts and parents recommend not only clear communication, but also sharing goals and boundaries with your partner prior to the first contraction.
Dr Allan-Gould says it’s important for partners to offer support no matter what. They should stay calm, keep an open mind and remain flexible. “It doesn’t always go according to plan,” she warns. “Your partner should be patient and understand that we’re also on a path of learning. Giving birth is one of the toughest journeys you’ll take!” mom Masego Seepe says.
Kyla Edinburg says the tough part is the uncertainty. “You just don’t know how you’re going to experience labour,” she says. “And I think that’s really quite unsettling.”
So you and your the partner should be prepared for anything and everything, basically. But this is hard, since it’s such a highly personal – and entirely unpredictable – journey. Antenatal classes are your friend here. They help you understand your pain management options and also demystify the upcoming birth and what to do in an emergency.
Being armed with info helps you both stay calm. As does help during the labour process. Be realistic about this. A doula can be very valuable and takes some pressure off your partner to be the only one supporting you, when they’re also feeling overwhelmed and often freaked out themselves. Almost every trip involves packing a bag. This is a bit of a literal thing, but it’s crucial for your birth partner to help pack the hospital and baby bag, so they’re not dependent on you during the birth.
“In our relationship, Kyla is often the one who will pack and organise things,” Yair says. “It was really helpful for me to know what was in the hospital bag, and what I needed to pack on the day, so that I had everything together and I wasn’t as reliant on Kyla while she was in labour.”
YOUR SPOKESPERSON
Communication is a big part of what makes for a successful birth.
“It’s crucial for a birthing partner to understand the mom’s wishes and birth plan – and make sure to communicate these to the medical staff and hospital,” says doula Tertia Alkema.
Here a birth plan is super important. “If you have one, your partner can act on your behalf and respect your decisions in the moment, especially when things change,” Kyla says. “I think you’ve got to think through and plan for every possibility and eventuality.”
YOUR COACH
Your partner needs to support you physically, kind of like an athletics coach. You might need them to walk with you to help ease contractions or help you go to the bathroom the next day (remember, fresh c-section scars are pretty sore). So they should come in comfy shoes!
They should also bring appropriate
things to calm you down and, if necessary, distract you – this could be a playlist, or even a game.
Both of you should keep hydrated, so ask your partner to make sure there’s enough water and snacks to keep you (both) going through the birth process.
PARTNER PITFALLS
Partners often forget to look after themselves during birth. Both Tertia and Dr Allan-Gould agree this is a common
mistake. Kyla pre-empted this with Yair while they were prepping for the birth of their second child. “I asked Yair, ‘Please make sure you eat and have something to drink. I don’t want to be worrying about you while I’m giving birth.’ And he did. And he made sure to point it out to me, which was also very helpful.” Some other common mistakes a partner makes during birth, says Tertia, include asking you questions. “During labour the mom uses her ‘feeling brain’. Every time she’s asked a question, she needs to go back to her ‘thinking brain’. This makes it difficult for her to stay in the zone.”
Both Tertia and Dr Allan-Gould say they also often find partners being there yet absent in a way. They might leave the labour ward for a while or post on social media before spending time together as a brand new family. Ask your partner to be present during these precious, fleeting moments. Having a teammate in the room can be the difference between a birth that goes pretty much as planned and one that is traumatically off-script. Plus it can actually be an intense opportunity to bond.
As parenting is a team effort, so is birth! Work together with your partner to have the best possible experience.