Bumped and dumped
How to cope with unexpected single parenthood
LINDA MARAIS WAS midway through her pregnancy when she and her partner split up – and it was about as ugly as a break-up can get.
“It was clear that he wasn’t interested in being a responsible parent. He insisted on having a paternity test done. Basically, he tried every way possible to deny the child was his,” she recalls. Linda eventually decided to go at it alone. “My reaction was that if he wasn’t going to love our child and treat her as the special person that she was, then he wasn’t worthy of being in her life.” Twenty-one years and one well-raised young woman later, Linda wouldn’t change a thing: “I’ve learnt about the honour of raising a beautiful daughter. I could never imagine my life without her.” But raising her daughter solo wasn’t without its challenges. The first, and most important, was dealing with the emotional fallout of being “bumped and dumped”.
“Women who find themselves facing a pregnancy alone need to allow themselves the time to grieve the loss of the relationship and, more importantly, their hopes of sharing the parenting experience with their partner,” says Jean-Marie Olwage, a counsellor specialising in unplanned pregnancies, divorce and single parenting.
Aside from heightened emotions due to pregnancy hormones, what makes a break-up during pregnancy doubly difficult to cope with is that you have to prepare yourself for a massive life change at the same time.
“Under the best of circumstances becoming a mom requires redefinition of one’s identity and a major adjustment to one’s lifestyle, and a single mom even more so,” Jean-Marie says.
DEALING WITH IT
Hard as it may be, dealing with your emotions head on is crucial for both your and your baby’s future. “Babies can pick up on their mom’s distress, so allow yourself time to grieve, but as the only parent, you need to be emotionally available when your baby arrives,” JeanMarie explains.
It’s also vitally important to separate any feelings of animosity you may have toward your ex from your baby, otherwise you run the risk of resenting your child.
“Your baby is his own unique person. Try not to view him as an extension of your ex-partner,” she urges.
If you are able to, get professional counselling to help you through this difficult time. Otherwise, just talking to other single moms who’ve been through similar situations and are able to provide a realistic, positive perspective can also be extremely helpful, she says.
You need to simultaneously prepare yourself for single parenthood: both practically, by getting everything ready for baby, and psychologically, by wrapping your head around the fact that you are capable of raising a happy, healthy and well-functioning child on your own.
This is the perfect time to call in your troops. “Any new mom can feel rather isolated, but a single mom even more so,” emphasises Jean-Marie, “so it’s really important to have a good strong support base.” Start building that base by arranging for family and/or friends to be present at the birth and for the first few weeks afterwards.
“Your life is going to change, and the first three months are rather hectic. Accept help if it is offered,” she says. Also don’t be afraid to ask for help and to actively seek out other single parents and include them in your network. “Other single parents can relate and therefore are frequently more willing to assist,” says Jean-Marie.
HIS FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS
Of course there’s also the very real challenge of how you’re going to cope financially and practically with being a single parent, and what your baby’s father is obligated to do.
By law, both parents have equal responsibilities toward the child, says Cheryl Webb, managing consultant at the Family Law Clinic. And that applies equally to married or unmarried parents; there is no difference. Parental responsibilities cover general care of the child, guardianship duties and financial support. If you and your baby’s father are unable to come to a mutual agreement on who will pay what – preferably in the form of a legally binding parenting plan – the court will have to decide. “The law tends to take the earnings of both parties into consideration and then make an order based on expenses versus earnings,” Cheryl explains. So, for example, if the father earns R30 000 a month and the mother earns R10 000, the court may order the father to contribute two thirds of the child’s overall cost, while the mother will be responsible for the remaining third.
EQUAL RIGHTS
The law also gives the father equal rights to the child. Samantha Ngcolomba, an attorney from the Family Life Centre, says parental rights broadly include contact with the child and having a say in major decisions, such as where the child goes to school and religious instruction.
And remember, says Cheryl, these rights are automatic, regardless of whether the father has left you or stayed by your side. Although if the father has left, “He needs to have these rights affirmed, by either a court order, an agreement between the parents or a registered parenting plan,” she adds. Now for the really tricky part: what if the father simply refuses to take up any rights or responsibilities?
In the case of him refusing to provide financial support, Samantha says you could approach the maintenance court and apply for a maintenance order.
If he then still refuses to pay, “It is important to report this failure to the courts immediately,” she says.
If he is employed, the courts will usually issue an order to have his employer take the money off his salary directly. However, if he’s unemployed and can prove he has no means to pay, there’s not much you can do except approach his parents to help support the
child. “This is normally quite effective, and the father often then comes to the table,” Cheryl says, “but this can only be done if the paternal grandparents are able to contribute.”
Here’s the real kicker: not paying maintenance does not mean the father’s rights fall away. “So if a parent is perhaps financially incapable of paying maintenance, this does not entitle the other parent to withhold access to the child,” Samantha explains. And if the father chooses not to exercise his rights to the child, that doesn’t mean he no longer has a financial responsibility. But it does mean the mother can now apply for sole custody of the child. Alternatively, you could approach the court and ask that the father be ordered to take up his rights, but this is seldom advisable. “The sad part is that there is nothing in law that forces a father to be active in the minor child’s life,” Cheryl says. “Yes, you can get an order giving him weekends and school holidays, and yes, you can hold him in contempt of court if he doesn’t comply. But the question remains: is this not to the detriment of the child if he doesn’t wish to be physically present in the child’s life?”
TO SUE OR NOT TO SUE
This leads to the next question – is dragging your ex-partner in and out of court to try to force him to pay or to be a part of your child’s life really worth the stress and trauma? Only you can decide this.
“This is a decision that a single mom needs to make for herself,” says JeanMarie. “However, remember that you can’t force a father to be invested in his child’s life. And even if the father contributes financially, there’s still no guarantee that he’ll be involved in his child’s life.”
“If a mother can financially make it on her own, she may want to consider not pursuing the matter if she’s met with resistance from the father,” she advises. “If the mother, however, is financially in dire straits, then she may have no recourse other than to take legal action.” Although she was hardly in a good financial position to do so, Linda dropped her maintenance suit almost immediately. “In court, my child’s father looked straight at me and showed me the middle finger. That was the day my decision was made. I decided that my daughter and I would be better on our own, until such time that he could be a good parent. Twenty-one years on, and he still hasn’t shown any sign of being an interested parent, and I’ve never received a cent from him.”