A-Z OF PREGNANCY

From bump sex to huge panties, there’s a lot you won’t learn in your antenatal classes

a is for ADJUSTABLE WAISTBANDS

Hot new spring trend? Afraid not. They are, however, a miracle of the maternity fashion world, despite being totally unsexy. They’re so comfy you’re in danger of wearing them long after you’ve given birth. Consign them to the bin in the hospital car park, for the sake of your sanity as well as your sex life.

b is for BUMP (OBVIOUSLY)

Suddenly the whole world thinks it’s perfectly okay to stroke your stomach while commenting that it’s enormous/ small/weird-looking (or the all-time classic “Are you sure it’s not twins?”). We suggest patting the offender’s belly and asking: “Large lunch, was it?” That should shut them up.

c is for CRYING

All the time. At everything and, yes, even during soppy adverts.

d is for DRIVING

At first, you’ll be super cautious of strapping in your bump. Then you’ll become the designated non-drinking driver. Finally, your tummy will be so enormous, it’s easier to hand over the car keys and be chauffeured around.

e is for EXPERTS

Yep, everyone is an expert when it comes to pregnancy – your best friend, your mother-in-law and the old lady in the grocery queue. They can, miraculously, tell you whether you’re having a boy or girl, an early or late baby. They seem to be able to predict exactly how you’ll feel once you’re a parent. And, no, they won’t hold back from telling you. Best advice is to ignore them and go with your own belly instinct.

f is for FATHER-TO-BE

He’s trying to do and say all the right things (“How do you feel?” “Erm, pregnant?”), but he really doesn’t always get it, does he? And come labour day, this will all be his fault, and you’ll vow never to let him near you again.

g is for GETTING CREATIVE

In the bedroom, that is. You might have tried handcuffs or chocolate body paint before, but sex with a bump is a whole new world. It takes a bit of imagination – and a lot more effort than usual, and you’ll have to ignore the look on his face as your bump looms centimetres from his nose. But a surge of hormones can do funny things to a girl.

h is for HOLIDAY

Take one. Now. Somewhere glamorous. Somewhere sexy. You’ll look back on it in disbelief one day, when you’re crammed into a small car with a travel cot and a shipload of food and nappies just to spend one night at a “family friendly” campsite. Remember that you can’t fly internationally after 32 weeks. Also choose a malaria-free area and somewhere near a medical centre.

i is for IMPOSSIBLE TO FIGURE OUT

Nipple shields. Breast pumps. Car seats. Baby slings. These things (and their manuals) are sent to test us. They are also a perfect way to get your partner involved, while you lie on the couch putting your feet up.