WE CAN’T AFFORD ANOTHER BABY
Q:
My partner is putting pressure on me to have another baby, but I really don’t want another one, as we simply can’t afford to. I don’t get paid maternity leave at my work, and I can’t claim UIF either. We don’t have medical aid. And then there’s the cost of raising another child. I’m happy with my twoyear-old daughter, and I feel we can give her more if we only have her. But this is against my husband’s culture. I’m considering just having the injection in secret in order not to fall pregnant, but if he finds out, there will be hell. Am I wrong to not give him another child? He is the suspicious sort.
A:
Koko answers: Having a baby is a huge decision and responsibility. You and your husband need to discuss it openly and agree as a couple. Raising children indeed comes with financial implications. You therefore need to discuss all the realistic and unrealistic reasons about the wish of having another baby.
Having an injection secretly is not the answer. Indeed, if he finds out, this will affect your marriage undesirably. Trust and communication are essential in marriages. You therefore need to have an uninterrupted time and safe space to discuss this matter with him.
Both of you need to be honest with each other. In essence, you need to listen to your husband’s feelings, and in addition you need to explain your feelings to him to the best of your ability. He needs to listen to your feelings on the matter.
You both need to focus on the fact that you need to work through this matter together as a couple and not against each other. This matter is serious and has the potential to leave both of you feeling hurt or even resentful toward each other. Therefore treat this matter with sincerity.
You also mentioned his culture playing a role in this decision: bear in mind that his culture could have the potential to influence his views, values and decision making.
As a result, when discussing this matter, it is important to acknowledge that you respect his culture. But you need to make it clear that your wish of not having another baby needs to be respected as well.
If money is the only reason for not having a baby at this stage, then the two of you may revisit this matter in the future should your financial circumstances improve. However, if there are other reasons other than finance, then these other reasons need to be discussed.
Should you and your husband not reach consensus, it will be ideal to seek professional help, go for couple’s counselling and deal with this matter. The organisation recommended for counselling in such matters is FAMSA. Visit their website, famsa.org.za, in order to find a branch close to you.