MEN-TALLY UNFIT

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all, asks father-of-three Craig Bishop

THERE’S BEEN a lot in the news recently about the sheer grit and staying power of the female body. Trying, for example, to google the name of that red-headed South African prop forward, I keep getting diverted by stories about women swimming, like, four times across the English Channel in one go, or winning all the ultra-endurance sports records, or getting ready to colonise Mars without any need for men, thank you very much.

The comments after these stories are always cringe-worthy, as guy after guy emerges into the daylight to pour scorn on the very idea of chicks trying to parallel park on Mars.

Ah, I hear you say, the gender wars don’t need any more recruits, just ignore them. But, like I just said, I’m still trying to find the name of that prop forward.

Anyway, it was, in fact, while swimming, that the answer came to me in a bubbly flash. The problem is this: for countless millennia, men and women have both quietly known exactly who was the fairer sex. We all got on together, can I say, swimmingly, because we all observed a polite omertà in the company of members of the opposite sex. Now, though, what with social media platforms upon which to stand and bellow hotly, we have forgotten a very simple truth.

Men are indeed the fairer sex. Contrary to mainstream media, but known to any woman who’s had a baby. And, alas, known only to those

GUYS WILL INSIST ON APPLYING FOR THOSE JOBS THAT WILL GET YOU ELECTROCUTED ON THE LOADING BAY OR SQUISHED AT THE COAL FACE

men who’ve watched a woman have a baby. Yes, throughout history, guys have insisted on getting limbs lopped off in battles. Yes, guys will insist on applying for those jobs that will get you electrocuted on the loading bay or squished at the coal face. Yes, it’s guys who have a tendency to take the sort of risks that are charming when it’s baby Icarus trying to jump off mom’s couch, but become startlingly shortsighted when it’s big Icarus strapping feathers to his shoulders with the kitchen wax on a windy afternoon. Yes, it’s only the boy games that require gouging, shoving, elbowing and trying to drag other males to the ground to get at their balls. Despite all this peacocking around though, men remain the simpler, gentler sex. And it seems to be hard-wired into our very genetic make-up. For example, as countless old wives have sort of known, boy sperms swim faster than girl sperms.

This is why some people still recommend having sex near to the start of ovulation if you want a girl. The idea is the boy sperms arrive quicker at their destination, but there’s no egg waiting, so they all expire. The slower, hardier girl sperms dawdle along merrily and meet the egg as it trundles downward. Boom.

Now, to continue this amazing swimming analogy, not only are girl sperms more resilient, but women are slowly gaining recognition for being the tougher swimmers over long, long distances. Here’s some statistics: Over 30 years of finishing times for the 28.5-mile Manhattan Island Marathon Swim, the best women were 15 percent faster than the best men. Over 87 years of finishing times for the 20.1-mile Catalina Channel Swim reveal that women were 52.9 minutes faster than men. To be fair, the fastest men are still quicker than the fastest women, except when it comes to these ultra-long distances.

So there’s the proof, written into our very origins. Of course, it might be noted that the most amazing ultra-endurance thingy that women do is pregnancy, where they expend something like the energy of running a marathon every day for 40 weeks. Without tackling anyone to the ground and taking their balls.