Q&A toddler
Q My toddler is three years old. He is suddenly behaving very badly, does not want to go to school and is more quiet than usual. He speaks of a friend but says he is scared of this friend. I suspect that he is being bullied. How can I help him? And how do I tell the teacher?
A MADELEIN KOEN:
As three-year-olds, children start to play interactively with their peers. At the same time, toddlers still love to say “No!” and struggle with resolving conflicts with friends. Three-year-old children may use hitting, biting or pushing as a way to solve conflicts. Children only develop more advanced social play skills, such as sharing and turn-taking, as they near age four and beyond. Subsequently, this could mean that your child is having a difficult time at school with the friend he is referring to.
What makes it a hard is the fact that threeyear-olds still find it hard to communicate emotions, reflect on their experiences at school and hence deal with challenges. There’s a good chance your child won’t walk up to you and say, “I’m getting teased and bullied at school. The kids are calling me names.” Instead, it’s going to manifest itself by your child saying, “I don’t want to go to school today”. Furthermore, you may observe changes in your child’s behaviour in different ways. Your child may have trouble getting out of bed, become frightened on your way to school, have frequent tears, anger, mood swings and anxiety or complain about stomach aches or other unexplained pain. When a child is bullied, their feeling of being in control is taken away from them. This explains your child’s challenging behaviour at home. When a child’s control is taken from him, he will automatically start to act out in order to gain some form of control.
Finding out your child is being bullied can be an emotional experience: you may feel anxiety, anger, sadness, hopelessness or even a degree of fear.
For a parent to be explosive about the situation will cause a child to recoil. If Mom or Dad marches to school and confronts the bully on the playground, your child is not going to feel safe telling you anything about this in future. What’s most important is that they know they have your support and that they can trust you. Your child needs to know that he is being heard and that his feelings matter. Try alternative ways in asking about the bully. Some subtle (but specific) questions could be: “Do you have any special friends at school this year? Who are they? What do you like about them? Are there any kids at school whom you really don’t like? Why don’t you like them?” Try and educate your child about different forms of bullying in order to create awareness, so that he can identify bullying and protect himself. Physical bullying (hitting, punching, beating) happens when your body is being hurt. Verbal or emotional bullying (teasing, name calling) happens when they make your heart sore.
As your child gets older, explain why bullies bully. This will reassure your child that it is not his fault. Bullies like to put other children down, because they have problems of their own. They then make someone else feel bad, so they can feel powerful.
It is very important to inform and involve your child’s teacher. She spends a large part of his day with him and acts as his parent at school. Set up an appointment to talk with his teacher, and explain your observation at home. She is likely in the best position to understand the relationships between your child and his peers. Teachers are key role players in your child’s socio-emotional development. This entails guiding them in taking turns, interacting with peers, engaging in meaningful relationships with others, controlling emotions, and developing a positive self-image. These skills are crucial for children’s successful participation in school and for their overall growth. Long-term bullying can have negative emotional effects. If your child struggles to cope with the situation after his teacher has intervened, take him for therapy.
This will help him to voice his feelings and gain positive control. A psychologist can also liaise with the school, step in and make valuable suggestions in terms of how bullying behaviour can be managed and controlled. A holistic approach – taking into account physical, mental and social factors – is always the best option to deal with emotional challenges, especially in children. ●
Please note that experts unfortunately cannot respond to each question personally. The answers provided on these pages should not replace the advice of your doctor.