Mine, yours and ours
How do you prepare your children and your partner’s children, for a new sibling? Moms and experts offer advice.
Annabel remembers introducing her hour-old baby to her partner’s teenage daughter. She didn’t know what to expect. The older girl, an only child, had been shocked and angry since she first discovered that her father was having another baby. “It had been hell, frankly. Nothing we did or said seemed to help. But she embraced her sister whole-heartedly from the moment she arrived. The idea of the baby was scary, but in the actual presence of a baby, she came round. She realised that her world had been made larger, rather than her place in it becoming smaller.”
Not every introduction goes so smoothly. A baby disrupts a sibling’s life. It can be especially tricky with the added complexity of a blended family. Heidi Reynolds, a social worker at Family Life Centre and in private practice, helps
blended families to navigate that space. “One of the challenges is that the adults are excited for this new baby and they have a romanticised view of what it’s going to be like,” she says. “It can lead them to ignore the complexity of real blended family life. What they might miss is the perspective of the older siblings.”
It goes without saying that the arrival of a new baby changes the family dynamic significantly. Of course there can be enormous gains in a blended family and in a new sibling – more love, more fun, more connection. But there are also losses for the other children – of time, of their place in the family, of connection, even of resources like physical space and money treats. They might well feel displaced or threatened. They will likely already have been through a separation or divorce, and had to accommodate new step-parents and possibly their children.
It’s important, says Heidi, to consider the complex dynamics that the older children navigate in terms of the other parent and their other family. “While you and the new baby form an intact family unit, the child moves in and out of the two homes. When he leaves, he might miss you and the baby, and feel he’s missing out. There might be other siblings in the other family who he misses or feels responsible for when he’s with you. There is stress in changing between the two homes, and possibly also conflicting loyalty. It’s not easy, and the addition of this new baby often makes it harder.” Acknowledging the children’s feelings and having the conversations is the first step in managing the recalibration that’s required when a new baby is on the way. “Ultimately it was your decision, not theirs, to have another baby,” says Heidi. “I’ve often sat with children who say,
‘I was happy as an only child. And now there’s this new relationship and this baby and everyone’s saying, “How lucky you are! How fabulous!” Well, it’s not fabulous for me’. It’s very normal for the older children to be upset and act out or withdraw, and to move in and out of that space. Allow them their complex feelings, and give them time to get used to the sibling and the new family dynamic.”
MAKING IT WORK
It is often a good idea to let kids know you are thinking about having another baby, says Heidi, or tell them early on in the pregnancy, to give them time to get used to the idea.
Include your other kids in the planning and preparation, if they want to be. Try and find an area where they might enjoy being involved. It might be shopping for baby clothes, or painting the room. Let them feel the baby kick, or look at the ultrasound. While you might fall instantly in love with your new baby when it arrives, know that it might take time for siblings to bond. If they don’t want much to do with the baby at first, don’t over-react. Allow and encourage the children to establish their own relationship with the baby in their own way.
When the baby arrives, show the children how to lift and hold the new baby safely. They might like to hold a bottle or push a pram. It’s OK and natural to be jealous, but make sure they know that you expect kind, safe, gentle behaviour. Give the older children their own space, emotional and physical. You might not have a bedroom for each child, but you could have a drawer or a cupboard that the others don’t have access to.
Involve your older childen, but Heidi warns against burdening them with too much responsibility and putting them in the role of “Mommy’s little helper”. It can make them stressed and resentful.
Try and make time for each child, says Heidi. Yes, it’s hard with a new baby, but it can be as small as, “Come with me to the shops while the baby is sleeping.”
YOUR PARTNERSHIP
The two adults in the relationship will set the tone and go a long way to setting you up for success or failure. Even though you each have your own lifelong bond with your own children, try not to favour a child or group of children over the others. Together, discuss roles and expectations, and how you can help the children to bond. Build a shared vision and values for your family – all of it! That means creating your own special family rituals, whether it’s around big occasions like birthdays and holidays, or small habits, like making pancakes for breakfast on Sundays.
Build relationships across the layers of the family, says Heidi. “It’s often the case that mom does stuff with her kids and dad does with his, but try to find an activity or ritual with the partner’s child, too”.
Don’t be shy to rope in the extras. Have a word with grandparents, friends and relatives, and even teachers and ask them to pay special attention to the other children. If you have good relationships with your exes and their families, they can be very helpful in making the older child feel secure and loved. Having more children in your new partnership can strengthen your relationship and your family, and mean more love and more fun. With a bit of luck and good management, you could find that you’ve given your older children the greatest gift
– a loved sibling.
Settle in and watch Bonus Family on Netflix, a great Swedish comedydrama on the topic of blended families. It’s brilliant!