Moving back
For various reasons, many parents have had to move back in with their folks – children in tow. It is more common than you think. Here’s how to make it work.
When we’re young, we all have a rough idea of what we want when we grow up: maybe a wedding, possibly a baby or two, and perhaps even a big house on the hill. It all seems pretty simple, and most people manage to achieve most of these young dreams with relatively little effort.
Just as effortlessly though, you can find yourself being served divorce papers and packing all your worldly possessions, including those two babies, into your car and moving back into your parents’ home. Far from your childhood dreams of familial independence, with divorce on the increase and the constantly rising costs of living, the only option available to many is to move back home to Mom and Dad. Even if you are welcomed home with open arms, cohabiting with your parents and your children does not come without its own set of challenges.
A SOCIETAL SHIFT
A third of all South African families had multi-generational living arrangements in 2016, up from about 17 percent in 2008. This means that more than one generation of a family live together in one space (grandparents, parents and children, for instance). The percentages include both married families living with their parents, as well as single parents living with their parents. Anecdotal evidence suggests that COVID has also led to people being unable to pay rent and bonds and moving back in with their parents.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOU
Erna Rheeder, coordinator at the nonprofit organisation SAVF (the old SuidAfrikaanse Vrouefederasie, which now works as a charity in a variety of communities), says that while grandparents do bring stability to a child’s life, they can also cause stress levels in the family to rise rapidly. Think about it; if you’re anything like most parents out there, you probably vowed not to do things the way your parents did (no matter how loving and stable the relationship). You vow not to smack your kids or force them to eat their broccoli. You promise yourself you will listen to your kids, and spend hours baking and building the most wonderful crafts. Basically, you want to right the perceived wrongs of your parents.
Once you actually have children, the reality of what it means to parent sets in, and you very quickly realise what it is your parents actually did for you – and why. Having a child levels the playing field, a new respect is developed, and a deeper understanding develops of what your parents experienced. Despite this new-found respect, however, combining three different generations in one household remains a challenge. While there may be shared morals and values, the way you instil them often differs greatly from how your parents did the same. We see the world differently and do not have the wisdom of hindsight that our parents do. Sharing parenting duties with her own mother, Carol-Anne, single mom to a 4-year-old boy, has experienced this shift. “Because she raised me means that a lot of our parenting style is similar, but every now and then we still have different ideas on certain things,” Carol-Anne says.
When families live in separate homes, the role of granny and grandpa are easier to define for the children, because the parenting boundaries are quite clear. But when homes combine, the lines start to get somewhat blurred.
It is their home but your children, so whose rules are more important? Jess, a single mom to Aiden and living with her folks, found that while grandparents should be there to love and support, a parent’s role is to love, support and discipline, and her parents didn’t always agree with what she wanted or the rules she made. This sort of situation becomes a difficult one to deal with, because as much as you are a parent to your children, you are also still your parents’ child. ●