Q&A: All too much
Q I just found out I’m pregnant, and it feels like the straw that is going to break my back. The pandemic hit me hard. My cousin died, I lost my job, had to move house and because I couldn’t get to the clinic, I ran out of birth control. We also had a burglary shortly after moving, and I lost some really sentimental items to me. Now my husband blames me for this unplanned pregnancy, that we really can’t afford. We’re fighting all the time. I was covered by medical aid while still working, but that came to an end, and I didn’t get around to getting new medical aid, so now even if I get medical aid, I won’t be covered for the pregnancy. I feel at my wits’ end. My mind is spinning all the time, and I just can’t seem to control my emotions anymore. On top of that, I fear that all this stress is hurting my baby, and I feel guilty for not really wanting this pregnancy. My toddler is picking up on it all and just seems to scream at me all the time, I think because I’m there, but not there – if you know what I mean. Please don’t tell me to bake banana bread to fix this all.
A KATE EHRLICH ANSWERS: Your circumstances sound incredibly overwhelming. So much has happened to you in a very short period of time, and it appears as though you, unfortunately, have not had adequate space or time to process any of these experiences yet. It sounds as though you may be experiencing feelings of guilt as you recognise that you are not able to be fully present for your toddler. What this suggests, however, is that you have already established an incredibly meaningful connection with your child, even though you may also be experiencing guilt around your unplanned pregnancy.
You have acknowledged that your emotional state has an impact on your toddler and unborn child. It is expected and appropriate that you may feel overwhelmed and vulnerable, and you are absolutely right – banana bread is not going to solve any of this.
The circumstances surrounding your current pregnancy and your difficult emotional state place you at risk for developing either pre- or postnatal depression (PND) or both, which could lead to difficulties in developing an attachment with your toddler, as well as your unborn baby.
Whereas new mothers often feel extreme joy and excitement, they may also experience feelings of fear, trepidation and anxiety. Many new moms experience postpartum blues, which encompass an array of very powerful and often overwhelming emotions. The ”baby blues” can last for several weeks; however, when the symptoms become increasingly pervasive and long lasting, it is possible that you may be experiencing what a psychiatrist would diagnose as postnatal or postpartum depression.
Any maternal mental illness, be it prior to birth or post delivery, can have a negative impact on the interaction between you and your child.
This negative impact can affect the development of social skills, which could possibly prevent the child from thriving in social interactions in general. It may also result in early childhood depression and social withdrawal.
The fact that you are reaching out suggests that you recognise your distress and need for support. Your awareness of self and your insight are protective factors against the development of PND. They also bode well for forging meaningful attachments to your children.
The unusual times we find ourselves in during the current Covid-19 pandemic places us under additional pressure, causing anxiety. This uncertainty could possibly produce feelings of inadequacy, leaving you questioning if you are “good enough”. It is both helpful and important in these circumstances to access supportive and compassionate relatives or friends. Rest when you can, eat a balanced diet and try to engage in activities that you enjoy.
It is understandable that being without medical aid may leave you feeling vulnerable, as you can no longer access support structures that are familiar to you, and your recent experiences may also have left you feeling somewhat disempowered. However, there are a number of free or low-cost resources available to support you and other women who may be in a similar position. ●