Everything just so... or else
Are your toddler’s little rituals healthy or harmful? Does a fit follow if a little detail is out of order?
Every morning, 2-year-old Jenna insists that her mom, Carol Watson, puts spreads on her toast in exactly the same way.
Carol explains, “Jenna has a fit if the peanut butter is under the honey, instead of on top. She also insists on placing all her farm animals in an exact circle at bedtime and cries if they fall over.”
Carol says she is concerned that her child is showing early signs of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) – extreme, ritualistic behaviour that may cause severe disruption or stress to the person afflicted with it.
And what about a child who insists on putting on his shoes before putting on his shirt – or a toddler who will eat her cereal only if it’s in her “bunny bowl” and bursts into tears if it isn’t? Is this behaviour a possible indication of OCD – or just symptomatic of a healthy toddler trying to make sense of the world?
WIRED TO THE WORLD
According to Cape Town clinical psychologist Abraham le Roux, “Toddlers and young children are often very fussy about small details. Wanting things done in a particular order or having things placed in a certain way is common. They often behave in ritualistic ways that in adults might be indicative of OCD. In toddlers, this behaviour is almost always healthy, adaptive behaviour, which helps them cope with their environment. These traits need to be understood and supported by parents and treated in a way that gives the child a sense of control and helps them to deal with the very real challenges of being a small person in a big world.”
He advises that rather than labelling your children, you should try to understand the underlying reasons for ritualistic behaviour.
THE ROLE OF RITUAL
“Babies are born totally helpless and completely dependent on us,” explains Abraham. “To feel safe, they need to experience themselves as being in control of their world. When they cry to tell us their needs, and those needs are met, they feel safe. They signal their need for love, Mommy picks them up. They tell us they are wet, and we change them. As a result, their experience is that they are in control of the world, their survival needs are met, and they are safe.”
But as babies grow older, getting their needs met doesn’t always happen immediately. Abraham explains that often toddlers use ritualistic behaviour as a coping skill, because if someone doesn’t always respond, then they need to find ways to feel empowered and safe. Being in control of building a “just right” tower of blocks, for example, or arranging things in straight rows helps their environment give them the feedback that they are strong, in control and can still have the world the way they want it to be.
This seemingly “compulsive” behaviour is often more pronounced at a time when a small child is affected by stress due to factors such as parents separating, the birth of a new baby, moving house, starting playschool, the death of a relative or being bullied at daycare.
“If the adults around them are stressed, children usually pick up the stress and act in a way that mirrors it,” Abraham says. “The safer children feel, the fewer ritualistic traits they will need to have. So empowering toddlers by handling these early traits empathetically is very important.” Abraham advises that the best way to ensure that true OCD does not develop later in life is to understand and acknowledge your child’s needs and allow him to express his feelings fully when he is young.
WHAT LIES BENEATH
Engaging in ritual behaviour is how toddlers make sense of their world – and these needs may be intensified if their life circumstances are out of control, says American parenting expert and author Pam Leo.
She states, “Parents need to consider what’s happening in the home and also monitor their own possible perfectionist behaviour – children naturally model their parents. Toddlers are also so concrete and literal, that if you put peanut butter on top of honey then, to a child of that age, that’s the ‘right’ way to do it. Compound that with a 2-year-old’s limited ability to communicate their thoughts and feelings verbally, and the result is frustration and anger that may be communicated ritualistically.” Crying over what may seem to be “trifles” may have another reason too. Known as the “broken cookie” phenomenon, a child may burst into tears when given orange juice in the “wrong” mug because this trifle is the last straw in a day full of inevitable frustrations, or an accumulation of small or big hurts.
It gives the child a reason for having a good cry, so that through ”supported crying”, he can release the accumulated stress and stay emotionally healthy. All such a child needs is for the adult to provide a safe space for him to cry as long as he needs to, allowing him to complete the release and offering a warm hug afterwards.
Rather than labelling your children, you should try to understand the underlying reasons for ritualistic behaviour.
EMPOWERING YOUR CHILDREN
The best way to deal with ritualistic behaviour is to empower your child. Since little children feel disempowered by the fact that they are so small – and have so little control over most of the events in their day – you can find fun ways to make them feel big, strong and safe.
Try playing games in which you pretend
that your children are stronger than they are. For example, you might say: “I see you are a big, strong dragon” and then pretend to run away, shouting, “Please don’t catch me and eat me.” The game includes a chase where the parent escapes for a while, but is finally “caught” by the child. Ending in rough ‘n tumble, laughter and hugs, this game strengthens and empowers children. Children showing perfectionist tendencies can be helped to relax a bit and still feel safe. Bring out messy play stuff and have fun with your child – wear old clothes and play with finger paints, clay or mud. Clean up and pack everything away together later, restoring some “order” to your child’s world.
WHEN TO SEEK ADVICE?
If you feel that your child is not coping, and his behaviour appears to be escalating or causing severe disruption, then consult a family therapist or registered psychologist. The difference between normal toddler behaviour and OCD is that the former gets better with time. If the worrying behaviour gets worse, educational psychologist Sheryl Cohen recommends an assessment for OCD. Your doctor will have a list of experts, while word of mouth is also a good option. Trust your instincts – talk to a professional who will address your child’s underlying needs and possible reasons for his behaviour. ●