Q&A: He is jealous!
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Our baby is a few months old, and things are uncomfortable at home. My partner seems to be jealous. He doesn’t do well with all the attention that the baby is getting. I am trying my best to spend time with him, but he is very needy right now. I am tired and want to look after myself as well. How should I handle this?
ILSE DE BEER ANSWERS: During our lifetime, we all go through periods of adjustment, but we can’t quite prepare for the adjustment required when a new baby arrives – even if we read every book and every article on the internet. The main complaint from moms is that they are tired, and their partners are not helping enough.
On the other hand, partners complain because they used to get more attention and feel more important before the baby’s arrival – and the sex was better before baby too.
Here are a few things you can do to stay afloat and get through this rough period in your relationship.
Beneath your partner’s feelings of jealousy and neediness is most often their need for your attention and sex. In the last trimester and for a time after the baby is born, women are often uncomfortable with or for medical reasons can’t have sex. Simply put: the period after the baby is born, you need sleep more than sex, but men generally need sex more than sleep. An important fact to note is the role of the hormone oxytocin (also referred to as the love hormone). Oxytocin is a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter that is released during sex and childbirth. It is also released when we hug or touch our loved ones. The release of oxytocin is furthermore associated with empathy, trust and relationship-building. It has an impact on our bonding behaviour, and reduces stress and anxiety. After childbirth, women produce a lot of oxytocin, which makes them feel content and loved, while men produce much less because they are probably having less sex and cuddle time with their partners. A good sexual relationship is thus a cornerstone for relationships to survive difficult times.
Make sure you make time for sex. You might have to change your usual patterns. The best time might even be during your baby’s morning nap. Also remember that it can be difficult to feel romantic between baby bottles and nappies. Your room should first of all be a romantic and restful place for you and your partner. Take a quick minute to put the baby things away. On this note, if you and your partner make a date for having sex, encourage your partner to take on the role of making your space a bit more romantic and clutter-free. Domestic duties don’t disappear. Household tasks, laundry and dishes seem to double when there is a baby in the home. Make sure the bickering doesn’t. Constant nagging and fighting causes an incredible amount of tension. If it is possible to get help in the home, now would be a good time. Another solution would be to divide basic chores in two (between you and your partner) and stick them on the fridge, and make a commitment to each other to complete these. But bear in mind – your focus should be on your baby and your family at this time. There will come a time later when you can focus on having a perfect house.
Make use of grandparents and friends to help babysit to give you and your partner the opportunity to go out for a while. Even if it’s just for a brief period, the time alone will do your relationship a whole lot of good. Don’t use this time to discuss frustrations and problems. It’s for entertainment and relaxation.
Take every opportunity possible to sleep or rest. If possible, coordinate your naps with those of your baby. Although this might not completely counteract feeling tired, every moment of feeling rejuvenated and rested in this time will be beneficial in your relationship with yourself, your partner and your baby.
Both you and your partner need some alone time. Allow each other this opportunity. It will most likely be easier for your partner to take some time off than for you as a mother. A good way of finding a balance here is to schedule some time away from your baby and each other. Ask your partner to stand in for you at certain times. Use this time you have on your own to do the things that relax and recharge you. Do not spend this time catching up on household chores or “life admin”. When we are tired and out of our comfort zone, the first thing that we stop doing is communicating well. Maintain boundaries with frustration, stay civilised, gentle and as friendly as possible.
Try to communicate your own as well as your baby’s needs to your partner. Get them involved in the baby duties. But, more importantly, encourage them to spend time with your baby during the joyous, calm moments.
This allows them to feel more involved, and less left out. Plus, it allows your partner to bond with the baby.
Find yourself some cheerleaders. Ask a friend or a family member to be your emotional and spiritual support system during this time. There will be days when you feel overwhelmed, exhausted and alone. In these moments you can rely on your cheerleaders to encourage you, support you and tell you how amazing you are. You are a woman and a mother – and that makes you precious and treasured. ●