From monster to munchkin

Every family and every child is unique, but there are still some universal principles of discipline that can lead to a more peaceful life for all. Work at them every day for best results.

PRINCIPLE 1 BE CONSISTENT

If you’ve made rules, you have to stick to them. A rule shouldn’t apply on one day and then not on the next. This just confuses children, and they won’t have a clue what is expected of them. It is difficult being consistent, mostly because we’re tired and we want to give ourselves a break from it all by being more lax about the rules, but in the long term this does not pay off. When your rules are not consistently applied, your little ones will continue to test the boundaries, and test the boundaries… leaving you even more exhausted. Consistency over time will lead to more peace and quiet, especially when it comes to punishment, or rather, consequences. If your child knows exactly what will happen when a rule is broken and there is consistency, a lot less emotional energy is expended. You don’t have to get angry – you simply point out to your child that she is breaking the rule, you warn her, and if she continues, the predictable and known punishment follows. You know what is coming, she knows what is coming, and there are no surprises between you. If you stick to this, bad behaviour will begin to improve very quickly.

PRINCIPLE 2 SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES

Make sure that your child knows exactly what behaviour is acceptable and what isn’t. Chat about boundaries often, and explain why things have to work the way they do. Allow your child the opportunity to ask questions about the boundary you’ve set, but not necessarily to negotiate it. You are the boss of the house, something that gives your child a sense of safety and security, trust and fairness. The motive behind the boundary you set, is love.

Children who don’t know what is expected of them can become anxious. Children like predictability. By setting boundaries, you are teaching your child about your family values, and this becomes part of her identity. The boundaries are not dependent on how you are feeling at a particular moment – they are always the same, no matter what emotions are floating around. Revenge and anger should never form part of the boundary setting. The point of a boundary is not to make your child’s life unpleasant, but instead to make her feel safe.

Parents who care set boundaries. Parents who don’t care just let everything happen and then react impulsively with anger if specific behaviour at a specific time doesn’t suit them.

PRINCIPLE 3 CAUSE AND EFFECT

It can take a while for small children to learn how this works, but you just have to stick with it. Within the boundaries you have set, there are choices. Every choice leads to a particular outcome. Your child can choose the behaviour, but then she also has to deal with the consequences of her choice. She can choose to throw a tantrum, but she will be ignored or banished to her room until it is over. She can choose to stop the tantrum and then join the family again, without anyone being angry at her.

Another example: Children who use kind voices get their parents’ attention. Children who nag and scream, don’t. Proceed with caution though: Make sure that consequences are linked directly to the choice. It doesn’t help to take pocket money away from a child who was using a rude voice. By the time the day comes when you withhold the money, the bad behaviour has already been forgotten, and the lesson won’t be learnt.

When children really feel the consequences of their deeds, they learn responsibility. Your child has to learn gradually that the consequences are not a result of your anger but are the product of their own choice to behave badly. This is a big thing to learn! Even primary-school-age children still struggle with it, and most of us can even think of an adult we know who still doesn’t get it, right? (Even ourselves?) Therefore, keep the communication channels open and discuss an incident with your child after everyone has cooled down. This might cement the principle a little earlier.

PRINCIPLE 4 REJECT BEHAVIOUR, NOT THE CHILD

When your child misbehaves, be sure to reject the behaviour, and not the child. This is how you keep discipline constructive and not damaging to her self esteem.

You can say: “My child, for those ugly words you are going to be punished.” In other words, the emphasis is on what the child did. The bad behaviour is not part of the person.

Your child needs to know that your love is unconditional. Your child should never get the feeling that she has to earn your love and acceptance.

Be very careful not to label your child. It is easy to say nasty things when your child has misbehaved, but this can damage her self esteem.

PRINCIPLE 5 THINK LONG TERM

Think very carefully about the rules and boundaries you want to have. Where do they fit in with the bigger picture? Are they going to make your child a better human being? What will she learn from them? Which values are being imparted? How will they make your child feel? Figure out what your big goal is in raising your children, and then make sure the rules fit in with that, rather than having a hundred rules that just make everyone in the family feel stressed all the time.

PRINCIPLE 6 ACT IMMEDIATELY

Small children have very short memories. If you want to see more good behaviour and prevent bad behaviour, you have to react immediately to what is happening. By tonight, this morning’s misdemeanour is long forgotten, and to bring it up then is useless. Don’t threaten with “just wait until your dad gets home tonight”. This isn’t fair on her or on Dad.

When your toddler does something that puts her own life in danger or could lead to injury, you also need to act on the spot to get the message across clearly that that behaviour should never be repeated.

PRINCIPLE 7 PREVENTION IS KEY

When children are hungry, tired or uncomfortable, it becomes very difficult for them to behave well. This isn’t so different for adults either. Keep this in mind, and plan for it. When you’re going straight to the shops after school, take a snack and a drink along. If you’re going to be out late, make sure the children have a nice afternoon nap. Good planning can help prevent a lot of drama.

PRINCIPLE 8 USE EASY LANGUAGE

Don’t expect too much. Sometimes children simply don’t understand why particular behaviour is expected of them, or why what they have done is really so wrong.

It is important to keep your language easy and accessible. Talk so that your child can really understand what you’re saying and use the information to adapt her behaviour.

Sit on your haunches so you can be eye to eye – it helps. You could even hold her face in your hands and ask if she has understood. Ask her to repeat your words back to you – you might be surprised at how your message is genuinely misconstrued or how a word or two that she doesn’t understand gets in the way of the communication.

PRINCIPLE 9 REMEMBER, SHE’S SMALL STILL

Take a moment to assess things. Does it feel like you are punishing your child all the time, because she keeps on making bad choices? It could be that your expectations are simply too high. The behaviour you are expecting might just be too advanced for her age. Be realistic and adapt. You really can’t expect a 2-year-old to sit still for an entire hour-long church service, for instance, even though you have explained the consequences a hundred times.

Also, keep your punishments age appropriate. Time-out should be just one minute for every year of age.

PRINCIPLE 10 CATCH THE GOOD

Positive reinforcement is a mighty tool when it comes to discipline. Children all crave their parents’ approval, even though they will test boundaries. If you praise your child for everything she does right, you can be sure that she will repeat the behaviour. So, catch her doing something right at least as often as you catch her doing something wrong.

A positive approach to discipline also makes it easier to see the good in your child: You might discover that the little monster is actually a little munchkin, when you pay attention. Children thrive on positive feedback, so use it to your advantage too – there is no downside. ●