There’s more to me

Were you the ‘funny’ one, your sister the ‘clever’ one and your brother the ‘sporty’ one? Then you know all about labels. We look at why parents need to lay off the typecasting.

Labelling a child as this or that has always been part of life, but these days, labels are attached very quickly, particularly when the child has a behavioural problem.

“In many cases the emphasis is unfortunately strongly on the diagnosis and not so much on what can be done practically to help the child,” says Zelna Lauwrens, life coach and founder of Equal Zeal, an international organisation that teaches children life skills.

NEATLY IN A BOX

People use labels because they want to understand and control others’ behaviour, Zelna explains.

“When somebody’s behaviour starts to veer off from the norm, it is easier for society to handle the difference if there is a name for it. When something is named, we think we can find a solution.

“The great risk with labels is that it limits people.

”As soon as you start focussing on the label that has been assigned to the child, the child becomes prevented from showing another side of himself.” According to Zelna too much emphasis is placed on how to “fix” a child who is struggling, instead of concentrating on his strengths and helping him build on these. Another disadvantage of labels is that everyone with the label gets painted with the same brush. For instance, it is expected that all shy children won’t enjoy drama class. A shy child who is keen to try drama doesn’t get given the opportunity or is not encouraged to try out for the concert. A label around a child’s neck doesn’t only place him in a particular category, it also comes with specific expectations that can rob him of reaching his full potential. “All children – regardless of their background, conditions or genetics – have one desire in common: to be accepted. When we label children, we send an unconscious message that they might not be acceptable the way they are and that we want to change them. This can lead to problems with confidence and self esteem,” Zelna says.

WHAT TO DO

Labels aren’t only used for things like ADHD, autism or giftedness. People also use them, innocently, to describe a child’s character. Experts warn against this. Labels of any kind, especially in the early years, can be damaging. This isn’t only true for negative labels, like branding a child clumsy or lazy. It also applies to positive labels, like “You’re such a happy kid” or “You’re the clever one.”

Dr Ezette du Plessis, a psychologist from Pretoria, advises parents that when they use a positive label, they should aim to use words that describe behaviour, and not adjectives that describe the child.

So instead of saying “You’re a clever child” rather say “My child, who works so diligently!” This implies that the child as a person is accepted independently of his behaviour, which can vary.

Parents should guard against bragging about their children. It is repulsive but also indicates bad self esteem on the part of the parents, Ezette warns.

“It puts pressure on children, because they are roped in to increase their parents’ status. The parents do things that aren’t in the child’s interest to keep up their status. Such parents tend to take over homework and projects at a later stage to continue to look good,” she says.

”I often see children who do well at school because they are so coached, but they struggle when they have to work independently and without preparation.” Experts say that parents should also be careful of assigning temporary labels when a child has misbehaved, like “You are really naughty.” When you tell your child something, be sure to let him know that it’s your opinion, so that he knows that it isn’t the whole world that is angry with him for hitting his little brother. Phrase your comment like this: “You hit your brother and hurt him. Maybe that is what you wanted to do, but it is unacceptable to hit someone else.”

It is tough to avoid labels when you start operating outside the confines of your own home and family. Even if you are determined not to box your child in with a label, it is almost inevitable that he will be labelled in some way at school or at his play group. Typical labels are “good”, “naugty” or “clever”.

Try and pay as little attention as possible to the labels that others assign to your child, except of course if there is a developmental problem that needs attention.

It is difficult not to be ecstatic when your child receives a certificate for an achievement, because parents of course enjoy it when their child is doing well. But rein it in a little. Acknowledge the achievement by simply saying “well done” and giving him a hug and a kiss and then moving on to the next topic of conversation.

Negative labels should receive even less of your attention. If your child’s teacher has alerted you to anything that might need some intervention, for instance if your child is struggling to make friends, then book a few sessions with a play therapist. Labels can be useful when they point out things that might be standing in the way of your child’s development and if you react by doing something concrete to help.

EMPOWER YOUR CHILD

If your child is feeling terrible after doing something wrong, for instance smacking his sister, and then he says in an outburst: “I’m a horrible person; I can’t help getting cross and hitting people,” you can react by saying the following: “You are not a horrible person. You are a wonderful person who sometimes does horrible things. We all do bad things sometimes, but all of us, you too, can change this.”

In this way, you give your child control of the situation, which is a great life skill to have and a way to avoid self labelling.

PRODUCT VERSUS PROCESS

Parents and people who work in early childhood education would do well to remember that working with children is a process, not a product, Dr du Plessis says. “Guard against asking children questions like ‘who won?’ that emphasises the product. Rather ask, ‘Did you manage to colour between the lines?’ or ‘Did you remember to point your toes during your swimming lesson?’ Such questions encourage a child to monitor themselves and find ways to improve.

“Also, compliment the process and not the product, by saying something like ‘Peter is so keen to practise his sums’ instead of ‘Peter is really good at sums’. In this way, you teach him not to compare himself to others. He also learns that hard work is respected,” Dr du Plessis says. ●