Baby? No thanks!

Everyone’s supposed to be over the moon at having kids, right? Wrong. What happens when your baby daddy is not doing cartwheels at the prospect of parenthood?

Few of a woman’s life stages are as mythologised as pregnancy. According to the fairy tale, you and he have rampant birth-control-free sex for three months, you pee on a stick and – cue the tears of joy – you’re pregnant! Now nine months of marital harmony and expectant excitement ensue. Most of us have long since stopped believing in fairy tales. What if, for example, your pregnancy was an accident? You’re not in a stable relationship with the baby’s father? Or even if you are, it turns out your man is not charmed at the prospect of becoming a parent? These moms share their stories with us.

KHANYI

Khanyi (34), the mother of 9-year-old twins, was living with her long-term boyfriend – and was on the Pill! – when she discovered she was expecting. She says her boyfriend was “excited at first but became more and more unenthusiastic as the months wore on” – until eventually, sensing a lack of support, Khanyi moved back to her parental home. After the birth of the children, her ex stopped contacting her, and she was “too immersed in the business of looking after twins to chase after him”. Contact between the children and their father was sporadic. Then tragedy struck, and he died in a car accident when the twins were 4. Khanyi says she regrets the absence of a father figure in her boys’ life. “I think they feel envy towards other children who have a father,” she says, but appreciates that some of the men in her family have become role models. She stresses that she spends a lot of effort trying to raise boys who can cook and do housework, and who take responsibility for themselves, in order to try to break what she feels is a ”cycle of male irresponsibility”.

I regret the absence of a father figure in my boys’ life.

ANEESHA

Aneesha (26), mother of Zayn

(16 months), echoes this sentiment. ”I keenly feel the challenge to raise a boy who will become a good man

– but there’s a lamentable absence of good role models in his life.

And, much as it would be nice, most kids in South Africa don’t have fathers. Being a single mother is actually the norm,” she says. Aneesha was friends with her son’s father for years before they slept together one alcohol-fuelled night. She took a morning-after pill but discovered she was pregnant anyway. Her ex-friend’s reaction shocked her. “He was just, like, ‘I never want to see you again.’ He wanted me to have an abortion and now blames me for having had my baby. He doesn’t feel he needs to be involved, because he feels it was ‘my choice’ to have my son – even though the choice happened a long time ago, when we slept together. He even questioned whether he was the father.” In a more naive time, says Aneesha, she imagined they could raise the baby together ”as friends”. But that wasn’t to be, and she has made peace with the fact, even though it’s hard when you go to the hospital and everyone else is with a partner. She has relied on her wonderful family as her main source of support. These days, they have almost no contact with the father. In fact, she says, “Now that I see what he’s really like, I’m glad he’s not in our life. A lot of women whose partners have left should actually be grateful for that.” Because of Zayn’s age, Aneesha has not yet encountered difficult questions. “I have no idea what to say if my son asks me about who his dad is,” she confesses. “If he’s not around,

I will explain – and he’ll see at school – that not everyone has a mommy and a daddy.” Aneesha doubts if Zayn could suffer from feelings of abandonment because his father has never been a presence in his life – so she reasons there’s nothing for him to miss. However, she acknowledges that she needs to be careful whom she brings into his life now.

I keenly feel the challenge to raise a boy who will become a good man – but there’s a lamentable absence of good role models in his life.

KATELYN

Katelyn (32), mother of

3-year-old

Fiona, became pregnant with a man she describes as a “long-term booty call” after practising the withdrawal method of birth control.

Like Aneesha’s baby’s father, he also suggested she have an abortion, which she rejected outright.

“I wanted to have a baby by the time I was 30, and I didn’t want to wait too long.” Hence, she gave her lover the option to remain anonymous and never become involved in her baby’s life. “I said there were no half measures. If you wanted to be a dad, it came with all the responsibilities of sharing childcare. The other option was not to be involved at all – and he chose it.

Neither Aneesha nor Katelyn is concerned that the bonding between them and their unborn babies was affected by the drama playing itself out during their pregnancies. Katelyn feels that the emotional turmoil affected her instead: “What hurt was the slap in the face that someone could just wash their hands of us like that. So I’ve started seeing a psychologist.”

Inevitably, as children become older, they start to ask questions about their history. “When Fiona asks if she has a daddy, I answer that we’re still looking for him,” Katelyn recounts. “By this I mean that the person who is meant to be her daddy is out there somewhere. I have told her that there is also a (biological) father who helped me make her, and I stress that he left me, not her. I don’t try to put unnecessary information into her head, but she knows she is allowed to ask anything, and I will answer.” Additionally, Katelyn has “started putting more effort into finding somebody new”.

MARIA

As these brave women demonstrate, it is possible to throw an absent baby daddy out with the scummy bathwater of a failed relationship. But even a planned pregnancy can make the father-to-be jittery. Maria (36) recounts how she and her partner of three years had not been using contraception for years. Because they were struggling to fall pregnant, it shocked them both when they did. But for Andre, who has grownup children from a previous marriage, it was more “bad” shock than “good” shock. “He didn’t speak about the pregnancy for a whole month. It was horrible.” But, says Maria, Andre always knew that having a baby was nonnegotiable for her, just as she always knew he was less keen. “It was ahugeissueinour relationship – one we even broke up about once – but he never said no outright.” Maria admits, “I know he made a big sacrifice for me – I pushed him all the time. So I can’t be too upset with him for not being as excited as I am.” Before she fell pregnant, there were times that she did feel “resentful” towards Andre: “I thought, it’s so normal to want a child, so why should I feel guilty about wanting that? But now I try to be calm and rational.” Maria feels Andre is slowly coming around to the idea of being a father again. “You don’t want somebody to stay around just because you are pregnant, but I know we have a strong relationship. I also know he’s a good dad because of what he’s like with his other kids.”

So, that guy you share your life with? Remember that he can’t even speak while there’s soccer on TV, and now you want him to imagine what life will be like when baby makes three? Add a hormonal pregnant woman into the mix, and it’s a flop-proof recipe for conflict. If he’s battling demons of his own, try to love him, forgive him and accept his inner turmoil as much as you can – and then have the video ready to capture the evidence of his tears the day your baby is born. ●