If you’re good...

It happens without you noticing it. You warn, you beg and then you realise that the only thing that will get your toddler’s cooperation is a little gift. Welcome to the world of toddler bribery.

“If you pick up your toys, I’ll give you a surprise!”, “If you’re good today, we can go to the park later!”, “Eat all your vegetables, and then you can have ice cream!”

Sound familiar? This kind of bribery sounds so innocent, and we all do it. The reason is simple: it works. Toddlers cooperate well when there is a carrot, like a sweet, toy or outing, dangled before their nose.

But just because something works, doesn’t mean it is the only choice or technique that can reach your toddler, says parenting expert Jim Fay, the founder of the Love and Logic parenting philosophy. He says it sends a message to your children that good behaviour is all that matters to adults and that children aren’t capable of good behaviour without bribery. Elizabeth Pantley, author of Kid Cooperation: How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading and Get Kids to Cooperate, says that while bribery can have good short-term results such as stopping a tantrum, for instance, it can lead to a long-term cycle of crying and bad behaviour. Research confirms this view. American psychologist Edward Deci proved back in the 1960s already that when external rewards are given people lose their inherent interest in an activity. Short-term rewards are inefficient to ensure good behaviour and can cause long-term damage, writes author Daniel Pink in Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. People who only perform a task in order to get a reward don’t keep up with the good behaviour. You usually bribe children so that they will keep up the good behaviour for the rest of their lives, Edward says.

This technique boomerangs unless you can give them the same reward every single time.

Toddlers and preschoolers are open to bribery, as they are in a developmental phase where they respond well to concrete behaviour, rewards, reinforcement and discipline, says Dr Arina Lanser, an

educational psychologist with a practice in Johannesburg.

“It is easier for a small child to react in a certain way when she gets a ‘thing’ in return, like a toy or sweets, than when she is rewarded with a smile, hug or praise. “But if she is raised with positive reinforcement, consistent discipline, routine and communication of feelings, bribery shouldn’t ever be necessary. Unfortunately, in many instances, parents have lost their authority, and bribery is all that is left to them.

”This leads to us raising a generation of people who do ‘nothing’, unless there is ‘something’ in it for them.” According to Arina, inherent motivation is busy disappearing, while it is the foundation for continued performance, motivation, inner self control and the handling of problem situations.

WHAT COULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?

Motivate your child to do the right thing in this way, says Arina:

■ CONSISTENT DISCIPLINE, BOUNDARIES AND ROUTINES

from birth bring a sense of security, predictability and open communication in times of problems or crises. Bribery as a temporary and expensive measure aren’t part of the plan.

■ REWARD ACCEPTABLE AND GOOD BEHAVIOUR with a clear, positive and strong reaction. Ignore negative behaviour. This way your child will exhibit positive behaviour to get attention and acknowledgement from you, the parents, and good habits are formed.

■ GIVE YOUR CHILDREN AGEAPPROPRIATE TASKS to do from an early age. This teaches responsibility, pride and inner motivation that spills over into other areas as well.

■ TEACH YOUR CHILDREN FROM A YOUNG AGE to make a plan and not to give up easily.

■ FIND THE CAUSE OF A PROBLEM

and handle it. Why isn’t your child listening? Why isn’t she putting her clothes in the wash basket? Get a grip on the cause, instead of focussing on the behaviour.

■ SET A GOOD EXAMPLE. Get up on time in the morning, do your tasks around the house merrily, eat together as a family, chat about the events of the day, keep your tone civil, friendly and respectful. These are basic values that don’t need to be rewarded with gifts. They are their own reward and the glue that holds us together.

While bribery can have good short-term results such as stopping a tantrum, for instance, it can lead to a long-term cycle of crying and bad behaviour.