A RELUCTANT DAD SPEAKS
One ‘accidental’ father opens up about his experience of parenthood. Sensitive to his child’s feelings, he has opted to remain anonymous.
Q: HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU DISCOVERED YOUR PARTNER WAS PREGNANT?
Devastated! I was the lowest I have ever been, in a very dark place.
Q: WHY DID YOU NOT WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN?
Genetics, life experiences, my mental make-up, the world, the country, the sacrifices required, finance, I just saw very little upside when compared to what I wanted to do in life and how I was equipped to take on this new responsibility.
Q: WHAT DID YOU WANT YOUR PARTNER TO DO?
I begged her to abort. She decided against it, as she already felt a connection with the baby. You cannot tell a woman what to do with her body, nor can we men understand what goes on during pregnancy. I had to respect her decision. So the mission was to now deal with the reality that my worst nightmare had come true.
Q: WAS LEAVING AN OPTION FOR YOU?
My day would oscillate between, “Come on, it can’t be that bad” to wanting to run away, so yes, leaving was a definite option for me, but some force kept me there. I think my low self esteem contributed to my desire not to have kids, but ironically my ability to relatively easily convince myself that my life has far less worth than the kids and as such I am duty bound to give the children a clean chance, was probably a major reason for me staying. I nearly decided to leave the planet when I realised that being a father is not a geographical thing. If I were in a weather station in Antarctica, I would still be a father to a child. There is an overriding obligation in being a father, I believe, so my decision was either to take my own life or to participate. I participated, which I think is undoubtedly the best decision!
Q: WHAT MADE YOU STAY AND BE A DAD? As much as it wasn’t my decision to have a child, it was even less the baby’s decision. As difficult as the way forward was going to be, my guilt would be harder to bear knowing that this being wasn’t getting all the tools possible to help him through his life. I couldn’t explain why
I was so emotional at the birth. I still can’t explain it.
Q: HOW HAS LIFE CHANGED SINCE HAVING A CHILD?
Nothing can be done or decided without taking your child into consideration. I’m 10kg heavier and the most unfit I’ve ever been. Yes, I now have experiences that I would never have had without him, which are awesome. “Hi Daddy” when you walk in the door, wrestling with him, seeing him sleep or run… These are great and help me understand why so many people buy into the parenthood thing. It feeds you in a way only experiencing it can make you understand. Is my life better? Busier, fuller, more stressful, more worries, fatter yes. Better? You decide!
Q: ARE YOUR REASONS FOR NOT WANTING KIDS STILL VALID?
My answer will seem contradictory. I love my child. I’m a very active participant – partly out of obligation, but also out of desire to be involved… I have been told that I participate more than dads who wanted kids and that people can see I am crazy about my kid. I don’t see it as as much of a burden as I used to and derive a lot of pleasure from my child.
I am also on anti-anxiety and antidepressant meds and going to therapy, so this helps me cope as well as be the best I can for him. It’s amazing how a child relies on your being there, and I can now understand how kids with two active parents must have an advantage over those who don’t. Still, if I could take my life back to pre-kids, I would in a second. So I don’t wish him away, but I still long for the days when I was free! Apparently it gets easier as they get older. What a sad way to live, having been thrown the most difficult challenge you possibly can in your life and living the rest of your days grateful that it’s getting easier!