Bribes v rewards

Bribery has a negative connotation, says Dr Arina Lanser, a Johannesburgbased educational psychologist. “You get your way by manipulating your child to get the child to change her behaviour. The end result is something concrete at a specific time, such as ‘if you do this or that, you get five stars for each day, and then I’ll buy you a …’

“But what happens when the child returns to her previous behaviour afterwards? Do you then take the toy away, and get your child to start all over again? And if you conk in before the five stars are earned and give the toy early, what message are you sending then?” As parents, we find it difficult to stick with the deal because we work long hours and feel guilty, and we’re not in the mood for conflict, so we give in easily, Arina says. “Children will always manipulate this situation and exploit it.” In contrast to this, rewards have a positive connotation, she says. Reward or surprise your child with behaviour or words that she isn’t expecting at that point at all. This is one of the most powerful ways of changing behaviour and attitude. It is not coached or conditioned, can happen at any time and in a variety of ways, like body language, a hug, making a fuss or with “I”-messages.

These rewards will motivate your child to behave mostly positively, and will also help her discover and trust her true self, so that later she is able to make the decision herself to behave in a certain way, reinforcing her inner motivation. Best of all? Not everyone has a toy to give away, but everyone can give a smile, a hug or a compliment.