Living with granny

One of the most important and potentially heartrending decisions many mothers have to make is who will take care of their child when they go back to work. Family care is a common South African solution, and comes with its own set of benefits and challenge

For Thelma Nkenene, packing her bags in Langa, Cape Town, in preparation for journeying to the Eastern Cape isn’t just a matter of looking forward to a well-earned rest at the end of a year of hard work. The three weeks she spends each December in her home village near Makhanda is the only time this 33-yearold mother of three gets to see two of her children.

Thelma, like many South African women, works full time to support her family, sending money to her mother every month to feed, clothe and educate her older children.

Her 18-month-old baby is currently cared for by a day mother while Thelma works in the housekeeping department of a big city hotel – but he too will go home to his granny in a year or so’s time.

“My kids weren’t safe in Langa where I live,” Thelma says of the decision to send the older ones home to the Eastern Cape to be cared for by their grandmother. “I wanted them to stay locked inside all afternoon after school until I got home, but they got bored and wandered the streets. I was worried about them all the time.” Thelma’s mother is still young and fit, and she loves having her grandchildren live with her.

It’s a very close-knit community where there’s a lot of support. Thelma’s two grown-up sisters live with their mother too, and the children are thriving.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE

“In the economic world we live in today, it truly does take a village to raise a child,” says Joburg-based counselling psychologist Sumaiya Mohamed, who has worked in family therapy focused on mother and child bonding. “A working mother is part of that village, part of a system that works well together.” That’s not to say it’s easy. For Thelma, the hardest part is missing important milestones in her kids’ lives. “I don’t see their school concerts or know their friends,” she says. “My sisters try to keep me up to date with what’s happening with my children, but it’s not the same as being there myself.” As working mothers may very well miss their child’s developmental milestones, building a solid emotional connection with their child is key from day one, explains Sumaiya. “Studies have shown that the first three to six months are vital for mother-child bonding, whereby the foundations for a secure attachment can be formulated. Once the mom goes back to work, maintaining that secure attachment becomes the next step.”

But, she warns against spoiling the child when Mom is home for the holidays. “You need to maintain the role of parent, and the rules and regulations still apply. This doesn’t mean that there’s no time for fun, but routine consistency should be respected. If it isn’t, Mom should ask herself if she’s feeling guilty for not being a full-time mother and as a result is overcompensating and allowing her kids to overindulge. Children pick up on this and may manipulate such situations,” Sumaiya says.

As working mothers, coming home from a long day at work, you may feel exhausted and drained, but spending quality, not quantity, time with your child is important.

MISSING OUT

For Ayanda Lukhozi, a 28-year-old mother of two who lives in La Lucia, KZN, missing her kids is the hardest part. Her shift work as a waitress means that the only day she gets off is Sunday, and then she and her husband make the bus trip to visit the children. “They’re always so happy to see me,” Ayanda says. “But then they often cry when I leave, and that’s hard for me.” Children may view the mother as abandoning them, especially when they’re unable to understand the reasons for the mother’s absence, says Sumaiya. “An insecure attachment may then develop between mother and child, as the child feels the mother’s availability to them is unreliable.” Communication is vital to better this potential pitfall. “This can be done, especially with children who’re still unable to verbally communicate, through your actions,” Sumaiya says. Set aside time to give your kids your undivided attention. Show them that they’re important to you and that you missed them. Respond to their smiles and excitement to see you, and allow them to understand that you feel the same way. “With older children, you can explain your absence and answer any concerns they may have to help them understand why they have to stay with their grandparents and how you feel about it,” she says.

DAILY FAMILY CARE

While some mothers don’t get to see their children for months at a time, others use family care as a daily option – which still allows them plenty time with their baby. Hermione Cloete, a 29-year-old financial services professional from Cape Town, has a six-month-old daughter, Emily, who’s looked after every day by her grandmother. “The decision was quite simple, as both my husband and I preferred a family member to care for our little one,” Hermione says. “The best care you can give your child is someone who absolutely loves her and wants the best for her, and that’s what my mom is doing,” she says. Sumaiya agrees that family care has many benefits. “The known and the familiar is always a source of comfort,” she points out. A working mother can be at ease knowing that her child is with people she trusts and who view her child as their own. For the child, being surrounded by individuals she’s come to know since she was born assists with her feeling at ease to be left by the mother. Hermione maintains the motherbaby bond by feeding Emily every morning and evening, dedicating time after work and before Emily’s bedtime to her daughter, and attending a weekly ”moms and babes” class with her. These are all steps that Sumaiya would recommend, even if they’re sometimes difficult to maintain. “As working mothers, coming home from a long day at work, you may feel exhausted and drained,” she says, “but spending quality, not quantity, time with your child is important.” ●