Power of one
Motherhood is the most important and challenging role you will play in your life.
When mothers get together, the conversation inevitably turns towards their children – “he rolled over for the first time; she ate a whole bowl of soup; I was up all night; my toddler had a screaming fit at the supermarket, and I was so embarrassed!” Rarely do we talk about the deeper sense of self-loss, confusion or anger so commonly felt among us. We often keep these personal, confusing feelings to ourselves because we are conditioned to believe that becoming a mother is the best thing that could happen to us. While this statement is not false, it does negate the reality of what being a mother is: a rollercoaster of emotions including the ones we are happy to share – such as excitement, joy, laughter, pride, frustration, even fear – and the ones we don’t want to talk about, such as emptiness, anger, a sense of loss of self, and resentment.
“Motherhood was not what I expected it to be, and I was not the mother I expected to be. Instead of the fun-loving, energetic mother I’d dreamt of being, I was tired, confused and frustrated. My love for my children was all consuming, but I was not happy,” says Lindy Bruce, mother and local author of Motherhood and Me. She describes becoming a mother as a period of huge transition, not just physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually too. This change – the growing pains, or “postnatal transition”, as Lindy calls it – are the agony and ecstasy of motherhood.
Although many of us experience these feelings, most of us don’t understand why this should happen at a time when our anticipation and expectations are so high. Dr John Demartini, human behaviour expert, describes these negative feelings as the “motherhood blues”. They exist on a continuum of feelings associated with motherhood, with blissful and content on one end and postnatal depression on the other. Motherhood blues hover somewhere in the middle. While not as debilitating as postnatal depression, this state of being can still be very confusing and painful.
SOME OF THE TRIGGERS INCLUDE:
■ Your birth experience not being what you had hoped for.
■ Poor sleeping and eating patterns.
■ You do not fit the stereotypical image of a radiant, energetic mother with endless patience. You do not manage to always have your children beautifully turned out, and you feel like you’ve lost control of your time and your space. This picture is seldom the reality, and feelings of inadequacy can set in when reality does not match the supermom fantasy.
■ The change to your lifestyle that having a baby makes is a major factor. You have gained a baby, but you may have lost the nature of your previous relationships with your partner, family and friends. Other things, such as giving up work and taking on the huge responsibility of parenthood, are big changes that take time to work out. It is often a time when you can feel socially isolated, spending a lot of time at home with little adult company.
John explains that many of us experience feelings of emptiness, loss of identity and then anger and resentment when our fantasy of motherhood does not match up to the reality – when we realise that motherhood is more about sleepless nights, screaming babies and dirty nappies than blissful bonding moments between a calm you and your angelic baby. Through listening to other mothers, Lindy noticed that many can stay afloat among the chaos, coping with the practicalities of school lunches, dirty nappies, midnight feeds and art projects, but remain vaguely unhappy – not totally miserable, and not suffering from classic postnatal depression.
WISDOM, GRACE AND STRENGTH
“Motherhood is the most important and challenging role you will play in your life. To play it well, you’re required to discover your strength, your wisdom, your grace, your peace, your joy, your intuition and yourself,” Lindy says. But how do you do that? The first step is to become aware of your feelings. Speak to others about it, and you’ll discover that the picture perfect mother is an illusion. John feels that finding contentment and peace with your mothering role involves understanding what you value most in your life, and then living to fulfil those values. He says, “Anger and resentment occur when you are doing things you feel you should be doing, rather than things you love to do.” However, postnatal transition comes about precisely through losing a sense of what you are passionate about. “In reality, motherhood can take you to a place where you feel like you have shrunk, where you feel as if you have forgotten what’s true, where you can no longer see what you are passionate about, and where you have forgotten who you are,” Lindy says.
John and Lindy agree that many women lose a sense of who they really are when too much focus is placed on an unrealistic external identity – one that is based on a career or hobby, what you own and, as mothers, on your children. Lindy says that the starting point is simple: be aware, recognise the feelings you are having, be realistic about what motherhood means to you and have the intention to change.
Live in the moment. Decide how much you need to give each situation at the moment, and be fully present where you are. If you have chosen to take time out, then commit to enjoying each moment without allowing guilty thoughts and feelings to enter your time. If you’re at home, understand that while your baby does not need your attention every moment of every day, when you have chosen to give him some time, be totally present and enjoy this time with him.
Although motherhood can send many mothers into a quarry of questioning and self-doubt, it is also the perfect platform for self-discovery. ●
Sales representative Salinda Ben, 26, from Johannesburg never felt lonely as an only child, though she often harboured fantasies about having a twin brother. Independent and blessed with a small, loyal circle of good friends, she is often told that she isn’t “typical” of an only child, and finds the stereotypes surrounding one-child families quite unsettling.
“I think only children are often perceived as spoilt, lonely and not used to compromise, since they have never had to share their parents’ love and attention,” she says. “People seem to expect these stereotypes, though I’m the first to admit that I never grew up in want of anything. I was, however, grateful for everything I received, so I’ve never been spoilt by material things.”
The decision to have an only child is as big as the decision to have more than one, or many children. Whether you’re unable to have another child – or choose not to
– it’s important to understand the typical dynamics of a one-child family and how these may impact on your baby.
THE POWER OF ONE
Experts agree that there are some big differences between one-child families and those with two or more children. The main differences, says psychological therapist and medical doctor Wilme Steenekamp, are:
■ Parents generally have more money available to support one child.
■ Parents may have much more emotional energy available to “spend” on the child.
■ The child is the only “teacher”, and parents gain less experience in dealing with different personalities.
■ An only child may be more vulnerable to issues related to being raised alone, such as sharing of property, parental attention, space, communication skills and, in some cases, loneliness.
■ Sometimes, parents focus too much on their only child. Studies show that some parents may smother or over-protect their only child.
Parents of only children agree that concerns about “spoiling” and loneliness are probably unique to their one-child family dynamic. Nancy Colman, a teacher and mother of one, says: “We have the worry of spoiling, since our child doesn’t have any siblings with whom we can share our love, affection or monetary gifts.” Nancy and her husband battled to conceive a child before Nancy finally fell pregnant with Evan. After being diagnosed with cervical cancer and enduring fertility treatment, in-vitro fertilisation and the loss of their first son at full term, Nancy finally gave birth to Evan. She adds, “We would have liked to have more children, but since we don’t, we don’t necessarily know what we’re missing. We’re most content with the child we have!” Personal assistant Hannah Alexander, and her husband, Justin, have one child, Madelein, aged 7.
The Port Elizabeth couple hadn’t planned for Maddie to be an only child, but Hannah wasn’t prepared to go through pregnancy after Madelein suffered from severe colic for the first six months.
She says, “Although I know that no two children are the same, I felt physically and emotionally exhausted and probably had baby blues as well, which wasn’t treated.” Her husband’s retrenchment meant that they could not afford another child at that stage, and once Justin had secured a good job again, Hannah was already 38 and concerned about the possibility of falling pregnant with twins, since these run in the family.
She says, “I have happily accepted that we have only one child, but I do worry that when she gets older, Madelein won’t have someone close with whom to share her good and bad times.”
WHAT WE WORRY ABOUT
Journalist Toni Hall says that he and his wife, Sandra, are very concerned about how their grown-up daughter, Alex, is going to cope when they die.
He explains, “To some extent, this problem has been solved through the birth of her own child, but she has always said how disappointed she is not to have a sibling. I think it would have made her more secure.”
Alex says that when she was younger she’d have loved to have had a brother, but today she doesn’t miss having a sibling. She says, “I’m dating a guy with three sisters and also want my own kids to grow up in a large family. I don’t miss having a large family – but I worry that my child might.” Dr Steenekamp says parents of only children and their child, may face some challenges, which include:
■ Possible difficulty with sharing
■ Parental over-control
■ Children becoming very dependent or over-responsible
■ Self-centredness
■ Great fear that the child will experience trauma or even die. But should parents of only children really have to worry more than those with two or many children? Dr Steenekamp says, “All parents have unique worries about their children. Parents usually have a strong drive to protect their children as far as possible from harm, and also set very high standards for themselves.”
But she explains that stereotypes about only children and one-child families are dangerous and unhelpful, as characteristics and traits always vary according to genes, the environment, external events and the dynamics in which the child is raised. She adds, “Every person is an individual, and every family has unique circumstances.”
ADVICE FROM ONE-CHILD PARENTS
One-child families seem to be acutely aware of the challenges they face and plan ahead to nip potential problems in the bud. Here are some of their top tips for one-child family management:
■ Have lots of play dates, and get your child into a great nursery school.
■ Watch for selfishness over toys and sweets or “hogging” the teacher’s attention. But be careful of jumping to conclusions simply because you’re supersensitive about your child’s nonsibling status.
■ Foster solid, happy friendships with loyal peers, but try not to interfere too much in your child’s social development.
■ Extra-mural activities such as swimming or gymnastics are fun ways for your child to interact with peers in a nonschool environment.
■ Spend quality time with your child and do fun things together.
Whatever your reason for having one child, what’s most important is making peace with your decision. Being happy is what counts, and any decision must be a mutual one between yourself and your partner. Remember too that any family dynamic has its ups and downs, so creating a strong unit is the focus for success – whether you have one child or eight! ●
I DON’T MISS HAVING A LARGE FAMILY – BUT I WORRY THAT MY CHILD MIGHT.