Let baby boost your bond
So, things are a little different now you’ve had a baby. Update your relationship priorities to be sure that sharing a baby doesn’t break you up.
You met Mr Right. You fell in love, adjusted to his quirks and found your relationship groove. But once you have a baby, things move on, and you both learn (on the job) to care for her. Stress levels soar, energy levels dip, grudges form (why does he never hear that 2am cry?) and tempers flare. Your first year as parents presents the biggest threat a relationship will ever face, according to research. But there are positives, too. “Your love for your baby is an extension of your love for each other,” says Christine Northam, a counsellor who lives in the UK. “If you adapt, the experience can deepen your relationship.”
Practical stuff
WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE
Remember those days when the fridge was empty except for a mouldy jar of pesto and a block of cheese circa 2012, so you went out to eat? And when the most domestic planning you did was decide who’d buy the wine on their way home?
WHAT HAPPENS NOW
It’s all about who’ll pick up nappies and whether you’ve paid the paed for your baby’s last visit. Forget evenings spent putting the world to rights, you spend far too much time working out what the weekly menu is and writing out shopping lists.
SORT IT
Starting a family gives you a new job on top of everything you already do. “This takes organisation, which is fine – but not always fun,” says Christine. “Don’t let it dominate every moment you spend with your partner.
“Instead, find 20 minutes once a week to sit down and work out practicalities. Then, you can spend evenings talking about other things and concentrating on each other.”
Teamwork
WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE
You used to have his and her lives. Between busy work schedules, his afterwork-drink with colleagues and your shopping sprees with the girls, some days you barely saw each other.
WHAT HAPPENS NOW
Having children unites you, giving you a shared goal – and you need each other. During the first few months, looking after a baby is a two-person job. “As parents, you’re on the same team – your objective is to meet the needs and happiness of your children,” says Dr Fin Williams, well-known TED Talk psychologist and parenting expert. “But, while your lives are fused, this can be a strain.”
SORT IT
Play to your team strengths.
“If he deals with sleep deprivation better than you, he can do the night feed,” Dr Williams says. “If you’re more patient about squashed banana coating the walls, you clear up after supper.” But be mindful. If one of you is having a hard day, step in with a thoughtful offer – the promise of a lie-in or massage, maybe. “And remember, there are two of you in the team,” she says.
“No one needs to be a hero or a martyr.”
Romance
WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE
You could hop in the car for a surprise longweekend or binge watch the latest series without a second thought. And, of course, there were the lazy Saturday mornings (and sex)!
WHAT HAPPENS NOW
Even a trip to the supermarket takes meticulous planning now. As for spontaneity in the bedroom, the only unpredictable thing is whether you’ll manage to have sex before your baby starts crying.
SORT IT
Although it’s feasible that you could go out for a romantic dinner, it takes planning, including booking a babysitter and opting for a night when you won’t be so tired that you fall asleep in your starter. “It’s often not spontaneity we miss when we become parents, it’s lack of responsibility,” says Dr Petra Boynton, an author and lecturer in sex and relationships. Although you can’t shrug off the responsibility of being parents, you can find ways to spend time together to make sex more likely. “Plan a grown-up evening – get a takeaway or cook a meal – and see where it leads,” Petra says. “Don’t put pressure on yourselves to have sex, but keep it in the back of your mind. If you don’t see it as a must, it’ll be more likely to happen.”
Arguments
WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE
With hours of unbroken sleep and the luxury of time to yourself, life was calmer. You let your partner’s little foibles pass and rarely unleashed your tempers.
WHAT HAPPENS NOW
You’ve been up every two hours during the night, you’ve got baby vomit on your favourite shirt, and now your other half has driven off with the pram in the boot. Hello, short fuse. “Nerves fray when you’re adjusting to being parents,” Christine says.
“Daily life is stressful, and it’s normal to have tension cropping up.”
SORT IT
Work out a plan for your regular stormy times. This might be mornings when everyone’s rushing off to work or nursery school. Or it could be the weekend wobble, when you have to adjust to being together after a week largely apart. “Decide in advance how to improve these times and who should do what to minimise stress, so you both know what’s expected of you,” Christine says. “When you do disagree, rather than shout, voice your feelings calmly – don’t accuse each other, but say how situations make you feel.”
Love
WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE
Falling for each other was one thing – until you have children, your relationship defines your experience of love. But now there’s the excitement of having created this little person together...
WHAT HAPPENS NOW
Becoming parents gives you joint membership to a secret club – you couldn’t have known just how much you would love your child until she arrived. Your partnership will deepen because of it, but only if you continue to make the effort.
SORT IT
Try to model a healthy relationship for your children.
“To do this, you need to make each other a priority sometimes,” Christine says. “Invest in one another. Realise that you’re a couple, as well as parents, or you’ll find yourself strangers to one another in years to come.” So, do simple things like making a morning cup of tea for each other – things that’ll remind you what made you fall in love.
In conclusion, remember that humour will take you far. Laugh together. Your baby might have turned your life upside down, but at least she’ll make you both laugh by constantly doing ridiculous things. It’s like having your own personal stand-up comedian in the house. ●