Discipline disagreements

It’s one thing not to agree about how much money the tooth mouse should leave under the pillow, but if you’re at odds about important things such as punishment and house rules, it’s time for a serious lekgotla.

One day long, long ago, when your sprogs were but a twinkle in your and your partner’s eye, you had all kinds of illusions about raising children. You were convinced that you’d agree about most of the burning issues with which parents are often faced...

But now that the kids are there, you’re not so sure anymore. Because you have one idea, and your partner seems to have another. And you’re at odds about almost every conceivable parenting issue.

They believe in a hiding while you think it’s barbaric.

You believe in a very strict routine while they think you’re limiting the kids with your clockwatching.

At night you find it wonderful to have your little bundle of joy right next to you in bed, but your partner swears they can’t get any shut-eye when there are three of you in the bed.

And on and on and on... You find it hard to believe that there was a time when you and your partner had a loving, peaceful relationship!

“Fret not, your problems are anything but unique. Differences about certain parenting issues are part and parcel of our daily existence, and it’s quite common for parents to disagree about raising children,” says Dr Doret Kirsten, a psychologist and senior lecturer at the Institute for Psychotherapy and Counselling at the North-West University’s Potchefstroom campus.

What’s more, parents usually disagree about different things.

Dr Kirsten identifies and differentiates between small and big differences in the household. Small headaches are usually stuff like how much sugar they’re allowed, what kind of toys they should have and how many. Big differences are usually more serious, like drawing up house rules and punishment (one parent might think corporal punishment is right while the other has real problems with it).

WE’VE ALL GOT BAGGAGE

One of the biggest influences on our own development and parenting philosophy is how we were raised, and the emotional baggage we continue to carry from our childhood, Dr Kirsten says.

“How you were raised and what you learnt in your parents’ home will be reflected in how you raise your own kids. Beaming parents expecting a new baby usually swear high and low that they’ll never make the mistakes their parents made – just to repeat the behaviour they so loathed in their parents if they’re under pressure,” Dr Kirsten says.

The reason, she says, is that very few people ever consciously put time aside to reflect on their own childhood and how they were raised by their parents. Few people think carefully about the effect their parents’ education style had on them and whether it was meaningful or not. “Many parents prepare really well for the baby’s arrival; they paint the nursery and buy toys, but they don’t read even one parenting manual together, they don’t talk beforehand about how they’ll be handling certain situations or how to set a golden mean for when they don’t agree,” Dr Kirsten says.

Did your parents run the house autocratically, democratically or was it “anything goes”? What do you think were the educational motivations for their rules and behaviour? Did it build or break you? Did it create a safe structure within which healthy development could take place? Or did the absence of structure lead to insecurity, neglect or a lack of personal boundaries? Perhaps there were too many boundaries in your parents’ home that ended up smothering you... “The more diverse couples’ educational background and philosophy about children, and the less they consciously reflect on and communicate about it, the larger the potential for conflict – especially if the how and what of raising children is just thoughtlessly copied from how they grew up themselves.

“If parents do not consciously reflect on why they’re doing what they’re doing, they’re almost guaranteed to repeat their parents’ mistakes,” Dr Kirsten warns.

DIFFERENCES ABOUT CERTAIN PARENTING ISSUES ARE PART AND PARCEL OF OUR DAILY EXISTENCE, AND IT’S QUITE COMMON FOR PARENTS TO DISAGREE ABOUT RAISING CHILDREN.

ASK YOURSELF: ARE YOUR RULES MEANINGFUL, OR DO THEY JUST SERVE TO LESSEN THE ANXIETY OF THE PERFECTIONIST AND SATISFY THEIR DESIRE FOR CONTROL?

TALK, TALK, AND TALK SOME MORE

Perhaps you should for once sit down together and think about childhood education and your expectations of your own children.

You might feel your biggest aim with your kids is to raise happy, self-assured little beings, while your partner is aiming for a well-behaved, obedient person who will get along with others.

Both of you have expectations that are actually really positive and beneficial for your sprog.

By communicating, you can come to an agreement to convey both these sets of expectations to your child.

Dr Kirsten says parents’ personalities also play a big part. “The more parents’ personalities differ, the bigger the potential for conflict, especially if you’re not prepared to think about or get advice about it.

“One parent might be more playful and loving and be firm yet friendly with the children while the other believes in shouting and complaining.

“A parent could be perfectionist and critical, have rigid ideas and expectations, and be controlling of everything and everyone. A perfectionist parent will set unrealistically high standards but also encourage and acknowledge and tend to set strict rules.

“Ask yourself: Are your rules meaningful, or do they just serve to lessen the anxiety of the perfectionist and satisfy their desire for control?”

SOLVE YOUR ISSUES LIKE ADULTS

Dr Kirsten has the following advice.

■ Sit together and reflect – each one individually at first and then as a couple – about your children and how you understand the goal of education. Ask the following questions, and write your individual answers first: Why do we have kids? Or why do we want kids? What do I want for my child? What is discipline, and how does it differ from punishment?

■ Read each other’s answers. Remember it’s important to listen to and hear and respect one another. Have a conversation that’s in the best interests of the child and don’t criticise or pick apart the home your partner was raised in.

■ If you differ too widely or the differences become too emotional, go and see a professional.

■ Collect information, read and become informed. Attend a parenting course together. How many people studied and practised hard for their career or their driving licence, but have not tried to learn a single thing about educating children? It’s the most important job of your life!

■ Focus on your partner’s good traits as a parent, and give him or her the opportunity to demonstrate these. Your child will benefit.

■ Try to focus less on the negative things that your child does and your differences, and see how you can concentrate on the positive things together. How can you build and develop your child’s strong points and individual character traits? How can you positively promote the behaviour you’d like to see rather than focusing on the negative all the time? Rather than punishing the wrong behaviour all the time, why don’t you reward good and desirable behaviour? Catch your children doing something right – it’s easy after all. Parental acknowledgement and encouragement is worth more than stars. Parental attention, acceptance, support and encouragement is always the best form of reward.

■ If the differences are too big, go and talk to an objective third party like an educational or clinical psychologist or a life coach for parenting advice and guidance. Someone can have a conversation as a neutral third party with both parents or everyone involved. He or she can help you to develop your skills in parenting, dealing with issues, solving problems, and communicating – and also help you develop your own strong parenting characteristics. This person can also help you to lose the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying from childhood. ●