Month 4 Intimacy interrupted

Although many studies show that during pregnancy there’s an increase in intimacy between partners, this doesn’t happen automatically. A shared commitment to the relationship and the pregnancy is crucial for you and your partner’s mutual happiness and wellbeing.

“My husband is a breasts man,” says Winnie Twala*, a 33-yearold mother of two. “He loved my bigger breasts when I was pregnant but they felt huge to me, like cow udders, and they were tender. I couldn’t stand it when he touched them.”

Lorissa February*, 36, now in her last trimester with her second child, feels fantastic, but not sexy. “My first pregnancy was tough, but this one has been easy.

I feel healthy and glowing and completely ready for this baby. But I’m not interested in sex at all. It has caused a few problems with my partner.”

Vanessa van der Walt*, a 24-year-old at 19 weeks with her first baby, says that her relationship with her husband has improved since she fell pregnant – “although at times hormones and stress have made things near-impossible,” she adds.

Ginny Sampson*, a 43-year-old who’s just given birth to her third son, says, “This pregnancy was very different from my first two, and it was weird for me. I put on piles of weight, and I was constantly horny. I think at times I actually scared my husband with my sexual demands!”

Four different women, with completely different pregnancy experiences – is it any wonder that relationships often come under strain during this exciting but challenging time?

“The experience of pregnancy is full of surprising changes,” says Claire Hart, a counselling psychologist at Clarity Psychology Centre in Johannesburg. She explains that as hormones take over, these changes seem to be out of control, moods become unpredictable, and all this has an impact on the relationship you share with your partner.

NOT IN THE MOOD

During pregnancy, a time when partners should be pulling closer together, it’s not unusual to find many coming apart at the emotional seams. Sometimes, all sense of intimacy seems to disappear, and neither partner understands why. But it doesn’t

have to be that way. The key, say experts, involves redefining intimacy and what it means to be close to your partner through the various stages of the pregnancy.

“In the beginning of your pregnancy, you may feel nauseous, tired and have very sensitive breasts,” says Claire. “By the fourth month, you may feel better and begin to feel your baby move. You may focus on yourself and start preparing yourself for your baby’s arrival and being a mother. By the end of your pregnancy, you’ll probably be tired from carrying a heavy baby, have swollen feet and hands, feel emotionally sensitive, and worry about the birth.” All these various stages make it hard to accept your changing body, and it becomes even more important to feel that your partner still loves you. If you have increased needs for reassurance, love or support, express these to your partner as clearly as possible.

WHAT ABOUT DAD?

Claire reminds us that while you may be feeling unloved and uncertain of your changing body, your partner is feeling unsure too. “Your partner is also likely to experience many emotions during your pregnancy: joy, ambivalence, worry, fear, frustration, impatience, helplessness and powerlessness. He or she may have fears about the future, especially regarding your finances and your child’s education. Your partner may also feel an increased sense of responsibility, which can be overwhelming and stressful. And he or she may even feel a little jealous of the attention you’re giving to your baby.”

Indeed, it’s not only hormonal changes but also practical considerations that can impact on the quality of your intimate relationship. “Being pregnant presents decisions that need to be made regarding your baby, most of which centre around finances,” explains Johannesburg counselling psychologist Shenila Maharaj. These decisions include things such as who’s going to be the caregiver, if you’ll continue working, maternity leave and how long it should be. You and your partner may not always agree on these decisions, and this can create tension in the relationship. “Moreover, given the hormonal changes you experience, you may often change your mind, and therefore what’s okay today may not be okay tomorrow,” Shenila adds. This can be difficult for your partner who may be confused by your needs.

KEEPING LOVE ALIVE

It’s one thing to understand the stresses and strains that may arise in your relationship and affect intimacy during pregnancy – but what can you do about them? Many experts agree that part of what can keep intimacy alive in pregnancy is for both partners to continue the sexual bond they previously established, and to try to satisfy each other’s physical needs as they arise. This doesn’t have to mean forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do; it could be as simple as an affectionate foot rub or as erotically charged as a massage that turns into mutual masturbation.

The dynamics of your relationship before your child is born will translate into your effectiveness as a parenting team, cautions Claire.

“So pregnancy can provide opportunities to reflect on your relationship, communicate with each other, and commit to each other as partners. This will prepare you and your relationship for parenting and the many new changes and challenges it brings,” she says.

* not their real names