ROCKSOLID relationship

Turning from two into a family of three can put strain on your relationship. This is how you avoid and weather the storms.

TLORI COHEN he birth of your first baby can test even the strongest of partnerships.

The two most common stresses are emotional and financial, says Stellenbosch-based psychologist Taryn McGowan, but all relationships will experience upheaval. It’s inevitable. “Your identity as a couple is changing. You go from being partners to being parents,” she says. “The best way to handle this is to prepare for the change.”

“First, having a baby should be something you both desire and you are both ready for. You also need to acknowledge that having a baby will change things, and then talk about the impact these changes will have on your life,” she says.

Taryn recommends these chats should ideally take place when you start trying for a baby, although she concedes most people “muddle through” and prefer to deal with issues as they arise. But having pre-baby conversations is better. Before you’re defensive and exhausted is the optimal time to have challenging discussions.

WHAT KIND OF PARTNER WOULD YOU LIKE THEM TO BE?

One of the big issues many mothers face is that while their partners pampered and supported them through their pregnancy, once the baby is born they take a hands-off approach.

“We often don’t discuss expectations, and yet we have them. Talk to your partner about what you expect their role to be. If this isn’t made clear, and they head off to the gym when you really need their help at home, you’ll feel let down. These resentments build and ultimately lead to conflict entering your relationship,” Taryn says.

DIVISION OF LABOUR IS A COMMON GRIPE

“You need to be clear about your roles. For example, do you want your partner to take care of bathtime, or pick up some chores so you can get to the cleaning or cooking dinner?” Taryn asks.

We need to give ourselves permission to ask our partners to take their share of the duties instead of the traditional roles, she says, but it depends on the unique situation.

“If the partner is in a job where they’re working long hours, but the mother is at home, it’s unrealistic to have these expectations,” she says. Think they won’t respond? A study of child-rearing attitudes conducted by the University of Connecticut shows that fathers respond well to having their duties clearly defined. Another way to put conversations on the table is to attend antenatal classes together. Your partner may feel more comfortable to open up in a space where there are other dads-to-be. You could even ask your class teacher to pose the questions you’re struggling to resolve to the group. Ask all the partners in the room whether they’re planning on changing nappies, helping with night feeds and with cooking and cleaning. If your partner’s the shy or private type, an alternative option is to buy a parenting book and read it before bed each night. “This is a way to spark conversations about potential challenges to come,” Taryn says.

“For example, what is each of your views on exclusive breastfeeding? What would you do if you found you weren’t able to breastfeed?”

Taryn goes as far as to recommend that you seek a few sessions of couples counselling before the birth of your baby, in the same way you would have premarital counselling. Things to put on the table? If your parents will come and stay when the baby is born and for how long, what religion will your baby be raised in, if you have a boy, will he be circumcised? Are there any family names that either of you want to have on the birth certificate? Any questions related to your religion, culture or family loyalties can benefit from having a neutral person with a different perspective helping you navigate the issues, Taryn says.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

Another trigger for resentment is that thing that got you into this situation in the first place – your sex life. Tom* admits that he was nervous about starting a family because of how it would impact his intimacy with his wife, as well as his independence. “All my fears came true, and I found the first two years of fatherhood very tough. I wish we’d discussed how we’d tackle the challenges before, because I wouldn’t have found it so overwhelming,” he says. Instead, they’ve decided to stick to a one-child family because they feel that adding a new baby to the mix might strain their relationship. But it’s not only men who feel unhappy with postbaby intimacy. Research conducted by the Murdoch Children’s Research Institute shows that new moms are largely unprepared for the changes and feel less happy about their relationship, both physically and emotionally.

Again, communication before and after the birth is key.

Mom-of-two Sune Anderson says she eventually asked her husband to tell her when he wanted to have sex.

“It was the last thing on my mind in the first few months after our son was born, but when he asked me, I had the opportunity to say yes or no. Sometimes being reminded that he still desired me put me in the mood,” she says. While you can wade through a checklist of questions, new issues and problems you had no way of anticipating will crop up. But your pre-baby work will put you in a good position to find solutions together, as a team. “Once your baby is born, everyone else will give you their opinion, so it’s important that you’re in the habit of making decisions together and sticking with what you’re both comfortable with. Make your own rules, and stick to what works for you,” Taryn recommends. ●

EVERYONE ELSE WILL GIVE YOU THEIR OPINION, SO IT’S IMPORTANT THAT YOU’RE IN THE HABIT OF MAKING DECISIONS TOGETHER AND STICKING WITH WHAT YOU’RE BOTH COMFORTABLE WITH.