Let me do it!
Find out how to help develop your toddler’s sense of independence – safely and without conflict.
From about 18 months, your toddler makes important developmental strides. Suddenly, she’s running, climbing, jumping and saying some basic words. It’s during this time that another special part of her development starts to take shape, and soon she’ll demand to be her own boss.
Clothing choices become all-out battles, mealtimes turn into tantrum hour, and simple tasks seem to take hours. Daily parent-toddler clashes are impossible to avoid, and parent patience begins to wear thin!
LETTING GO
Long before your toddler verbalises her independence with: “I can do it!” she has already begun exercising her autonomy by starting to crawl, pull herself up or squirm around when you change her nappy. Learning independence is a positive step in your child’s physical, emotional and social development. She begins to realise that she is an individual, separate from you, and starts to act on this.
“This is a time of incredible learning for toddlers as they start to find out more about the world around them and more about themselves and what they are capable of,” says Joburg-based educational psychologist Cindy McDonald. “Experiences in this developmental stage have long-term consequences for cognitive as well as emotional development.” Despite this desperate drive for independence, your toddler still needs you. One minute she’s demanding to wear her new takkies to bed, and the next she cries when you leave the room. This pendulum-like behaviour can be frustrating for you and confusing for your toddler, but it’s quite normal.
Cindy explains: “Their new-found independence can be both exhilarating and scary for children. Your toddler might venture out into the ‘brave new world’ one moment, but in the next she may feel overwhelmed at the bigness and unfamiliarity of it.”
The best thing you can do for your child at this time is to be available as a reference point for when she’s feeling courageous, and be on hand to reassure and protect her when she feels overwhelmed.
MIDDLE GROUND
You may have to gently nudge your toddler to try out new things. If you keep treating her like a baby, you’ll hold her back, but you shouldn’t expect too much of her either. An important part of your child’s learning to master new skills is the self-confidence and good self-esteem it will build in her. Tarryn Newman, mother to 3-year-old Jared, remembers her initial frustration at her son’s drive for independence. “Simple things like clothing choices or getting dressed took forever,” she recalls. “I had to learn to be more patient and started leaving him to dress himself for about five minutes. Then I’d pop back into the room and finish up with lots of distractions.”
The Newmans were out shopping one day when Jared decided he wanted to push the little trolley for his mom. “I knew I wasn’t going to change his mind, so I went along with it. I had to smile brightly and mumble apologies as we bumped our way through the store. These days he’s quite the pro and very proud of himself.”
Allowing your child to try something new gives her an opportunity to learn, and later to master it. “When parents don’t allow their toddlers to attempt tasks, it’s often subtly interpreted by the toddler as an indication that her parents feel she isn’t capable of doing it at all or even well enough,” Cindy says. “If toddlers are repeatedly thwarted in their attempts at independence, or frequently experience a sense of failure, they will develop feelings of shame or believe they aren’t good enough. This fosters lasting self-doubt about their competence and self-worth.” So, to boost her feelings of selfworth, don’t focus on how well your child does a task, but rather praise her for trying to do it in the first place.
Playgroup is a great way to introduce your toddler to a world that’s separate from you and also encourages her independence. Cally Horsten, an educational supervisor from Edenvale, says that 18 months is a good time to start your toddler at a group. “Her separation anxiety won’t be as strong at this age. But later, around 2 years, she may take longer to adjust,” she says.
In the toddler years, self-play is prominent, and being around other children and learning to share and interact with peers is important.
“At a playgroup, there is organised routine, and teachers are qualified to assess the toddler and take necessary action to ensure that the child’s developmental skills are school ready when the time comes,” Cally explains. “Focus at this age should be on both fine and gross motor skills, so make sure the teacher you choose has the necessary equipment for these.”
CHOOSE YOUR TODDLER BATTLES
Your toddler’s daily struggle for control can make your home a battlefield. Constantly tussling over simple issues can leave you exhausted! Choose the times when you indulge her need for independence, and accept that there will be occasions when circumstances prevent you from letting her do things her way. You may not be able to outplay your toddler, but you can outwit her, by learning to pick your battles and allowing her a little leeway the rest of the time. ■ CLOTHING Your toddler may want to choose her clothes and dress herself. Despite the hideous ensembles she comes up with, it’s best to go with the flow if what she has picked is practical for the day and suitable for the weather. Build more time into your mornings if you’re always running late, or make it a routine to choose clothes before bedtime. Make getting dressed fun. Arrange a “getting dressed race” with an older sibling, or let her try to zip up her jacket while you put on her shoes.
■ MEALTIMES A tense, stressful environment around the table won’t help your child form a positive attitude to food. If she wants to feed herself, let her, but prepare her meals to accommodate this. Most children like simple meals without frills. Finger food, cut into bite-size pieces with dunking sauce, are favourites with toddlers. Put a selection of food on her plate, and let her choose what she wants. Don’t force her to eat everything, and never use food for discipline or as a reward.
■ Your toddler may refuse to bath, or you may not be able to get her out! Most kids hate to be interrupted if they’re playing, so give her fair warning that bathtime is on the way. Keep the process simple but fun. Bubble bath and singing often provide enough distraction to get her washed! If she won’t let you wash her, encourage her to try on her own. Say: “I’ll wash your back, then I’ll give you the soap and cloth and you can wash your feet.’’ ●