HOW TO STOP SPOILING YOUR CHILD

All behaviour – including bad behaviour – is learnt and can thus be unlearnt. Don’t think that children know instinctively what is bad behaviour – they don’t. Children do not know automatically what is expected of them.

It is your role to teach them this and make sure they know what positive behaviour is an alternative to the spoilt behaviour. Smacking simply doesn’t impart this. The child really learns nothing. A hiding simply indicates your own frustration at a situation. Positive reinforcement of good behaviour is a lot more work than losing your cool and giving a hiding. Be involved and creative. That’s how you teach your child what the desired behaviour is. This is what it looks like practically. Apply these tips for a month, and watch your life change for the better.

IGNORE BAD BEHAVIOUR Children prefer any reaction to no reaction at all. The most important way to reinforce good behaviour is to starve the negative patterns of your attention. But be careful:

Ignore the behaviour, not the child. Avoid eye contact, but stay close, so you can act if they come up with new, unexpected and potentially unsafe behaviour.

DON’T GIVE IN

TO TANTRUMS

Tough, but necessary. Every time you give in, you are reinforcing the behaviour. Stop doing this, and the frequency of the tantrums will dwindle over time. The trick is to be very firm and make your expectations very clear. Don’t laugh about tantrums. Make sure your child knows that you find them unacceptable.

BE CONSISTENT

If you keep moving the boundaries, your child will keep on challenging them, because he is uncertain about what is expected of him. Have a talk with your partner so you can agree on the boundaries, because if you don’t, you’ll end up undermining each other’s authority. This opens the door for your child to manipulate you. How you handle bad behaviour should be consistent.

CONTROL YOURSELF

This is tough, but remember, you’re the adult. If you shout and lose your temper, you make the situation worse and set a bad example.

REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOUR

How? With your attention. The biggest reward for any child is your time and attention. Play with your child, read him a story or let him join you and “help” with whatever you are busy with. We sometimes forget to comment positively when a child is well behaved, while the negative behaviour draws an immediate comment. So, catch them doing something good!

WARNINGS!

Prepare your child well in advance of what is expected of them. “We’re going to bath soon.” This gives them a bit of time to finish what they are busy with and smooth the transition between activities.

BUILD IN SOME FUN

Decide that tonight you’ll all be crawling to the bathroom on all fours! Make up rhymes to help you get your child dressed in the morning. A little fun, games and humour all go a long way towards a positive home life.

SET CHALLENGES

Resist the urge of doing everything for your child, because then he will expect this from everyone. Set small challenges to involve him in his own care. “Let’s see if you can turn on the taps yourself.”

GIVE REWARDS

… but they need to be instant, and fun, for example a ride on your back or a star sticker on the forehead. Older children who can delay their needs might enjoy a star chart where they earn stars for a bigger reward. Keep it simple and small, and involve your child in the discussion.

GIVE CHOICES

Nobody likes being told what to do 24/7. Get around this by giving your child simple choices where you can. “If you hop in the bath right now, we’ll have time for two stories.”

Initially, when you start to implement these new ways of parenting, your child’s behaviour might get worse before it gets better. Stick it out though, and you’ll be glad you did. Let us know how the month went! ●