Saying goodbye

As a parent, you can fix most things for your child. A bottle or snack for a hungry tummy, a plaster for a hurt knee. But some things just can’t be made right again, and you’re faced with one of parenting’s biggest challenges. Sometimes it’s impossible to protect your child from the anxiety and sadness that arises through loss, and watching him experience the pain of dealing with these emotions can be very hard. What can help is to know that it’s important for your child to experience loss to prepare for the possibility of other major losses later on in life.

Cathy Rogers, a Cape Town-based psychotherapist with a special interest in working with parents and their children under 5 years of age, explains further, “the losses that children experience are necessary, and although parents attempt to prevent this, loss allows your child to understand what it is he has, by virtue of no longer having it.”

In other words, if you could create a perfect and totally consistent world, it would prevent your child developing the ability to survive and handle difficulties.

FIRST LOSS

One of your baby’s first experiences of loss may be in the form of a delay in having basic needs met. Cathy points out that, “your baby initially experiences the world through his mom responding to his cries of hunger, cold, pain or boredom. A breast or bottle of milk appears quite reliably whenever he is hungry. But when there is a delay and your baby has to wait, this becomes one of his first learning experiences of disappointment or loss of control over the world.” Through delay your baby learns that uncomfortable feelings are eventually comforted, even if he has to wait. This rhythm of discomfort and comfort in his environment develops your baby’s sense of security, confidence and later ability to handle other disappointments and greater losses.

LOSS OF DEPENDENCE

All too soon, your baby begins to toddle around. Cathy advises to be particularly aware of the feelings of loss that may come up when your toddler becomes mobile. The loss of closeness in the relationship, as well as the loss of dependence and babyhood can deeply affect both you and your toddler.

LOSS OF POWER

Don’t be surprised if your toddler’s mood changes suddenly. Cathy explains, “toddlers feel very powerful at times, almost that they can control their parents and even their world around them. After all, their needs are usually met almost immediately. But they can also find themselves feeling very small and powerless, especially when they’re disappointed, or experience a change or loss. This can make them feel very confused and angry.” These feelings can result in mood and behaviour changes, separation anxiety and regression. But these are very necessary processes that your child needs to grow through. He may express his feelings over loss or change through irritability, tantrums, aggression, and regression in potty training, sleep routines or eating.

LOSING A LOVED ONE

Where there has been an actual death or sudden separation from a loved one, your older child will probably explore the concepts of loss, separation and death in play. He may, for example say, “Grandpa is dead, but now he’s going to wake up and play with me.”

Until about the age of 6, children see death as temporary and reversible. Clinical psychologist Ruth Ancer says, “They also have ‘magical thinking’, which means that they believe that their thoughts and behaviour can cause something to happen, even cause someone to die, or return to life just as readily.” Your child may develop regressive behaviours and physical complaints, such as stomach ailments, headaches, sleeping or eating problems. Emotional reactions may include anger, anxiety that other people may die, indifference, panic, fear, guilt and self-blame.

UNTIL ABOUT 6, CHILDREN SEE DEATH AS TEMPORARY AND REVERSIBLE.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

Firstly, ensure that your own emotional needs are being met. If you’ve recently experienced loss – perhaps loss of your career, free time, or even the loss of a loved one, it’s important to find healthy ways to work through your feelings. Your child will require extra attention and a calm, secure environment. Cathy says, “Young babies respond to the vibes in the air. Pretending is unsuccessful. If you’re in trouble, they will feel it.”

USE THE RIGHT WORDS

Verbalise the loss for your child in simple, concrete and age-appropriate terms. He will make sense of the loss through the information that you provide. Fantasy stories may be confusing, especially as his understanding grows. Security blankets aren’t taken away by the fairies. They are either left behind at Granny’s house or taken away by the dustbin lorry. As for the passing of a family pet, Whiskers didn’t “go to sleep forever”. The cat was very old, stopped breathing and died. The danger of explaining death as a sleep, Ruth says, is that young children take things very literally and may become fearful that they or others may also die while sleeping.

Remember too that the same questions may be asked time and time again, so be sure to provide the same information each time. Name the feelings that your child is likely to be experiencing, for example: “I wonder if you’re feeling angry that your blanket is lost” or “Sometimes you wish that you could see Whiskers again.”

PREPARING YOUR CHILD

You can help by warning your toddler of upcoming events and giving him extra reassurance, for example by saying goodbye properly if you need to go on a trip. It may be tempting to redecorate your child’s bedroom when moving home, but it’s more helpful to retain the old furnishings until your child has settled in. A level of insecurity is to be expected when loss of any kind occurs. Routine and consistency is important and will help allay anxiety and fear.

Provide ample opportunities for your child to express his feelings through art and creative activities, as well as physical play or sport.

When there is a death of a close family member, collecting and recording memories of the person is important. Photographs, objects, textures and even music can be collected and stored in a memory box, to be explored by your child in years to come.