THE IMPORTANCE OF RITUAL

Loss is an opportunity for you to introduce your child to religious or cultural beliefs and rituals. Take care to express the loss in age-appropriate terms that reflect your belief system. Saying goodbye through ritual becomes especially important from the age of 5, as your child begins to understand the permanency of loss. From the solemn burial of a pet mouse in the garden, the throwing of a dummy into the bin on a birthday morning, to the simple lighting of a candle in memory of a loved one, ritual plays a vital role in your child’s life. Ritual allows him to express his emotions in concrete ways. It gives him a framework through which he can start to gain a level of acceptance, and a forum through which to remember what he has lost.

WHY DID HE DIE?

Children are fascinated with death and observe the ongoing circularity of life. They hold the dead butterfly, dig up the buried bird or ask deep philosophical questions about why things die and where they go. Cathy suggests that you answer them honestly, admitting to not knowing all and being pleased at their curiosity. This sets the stage for honest communication so that when it’s most needed, when there is a real crisis, you’ll be able to continue a conversation that has already begun.

IT’S OKAY TO FEEL THE FEELINGS

It may be tempting to introduce your child to a substitute to make up for a loss, especially the loss of a pet. It’s usually not helpful to rush out and buy another puppy. First give your child the chance to work through feelings of loss that may surface. Cathy explains, “The successful resolution of these feelings will prepare your child for dealing with losses at a later stage.” She also advises that parents sometimes tend to project their own difficulties of death onto their children. For example, you may wish to leave your child at home, instead of taking him to the funeral. You may think that your child needs to be protected from the sadness, when it’s really you who wants to avoid it.

WHEN TO BE CONCERNED

How your child expresses loss will depend on his developmental age, as well as his personality and the environment that he is growing up in. While grieving behaviour is a normal part of dealing with loss, sometimes children aren’t able to move on. You may need to seek professional help if your child continues to exhibit any of the following kinds of behaviour:

• Withdrawn and uninterested in play or daily activities.

• Persistent irritability and aggression.

• Continued regression.

• Sleep patterns and bad dreams don’t settle.

• Disinterested in foods he previously liked eating.

• Fear of being alone.

• Continual and ongoing re-enacting of the loss through play.

• Continual and ongoing denial of the loss.

Ruth says, “Special care will need to be taken if your child has experienced multiple losses, where there has been trauma associated with the loss, if the loss results in long-term changes, and especially if the adults around your child are struggling to cope.” Loss is an opportunity for your child to develop the tools necessary for living in an unpredictable world. With your support, he can learn that life still goes on. And through this, he will learn how to deal with challenging life events. ●