9 STEPS TO BEING A POSITIVE PARENT

STEP 1

IDENTIFY YOUR CORE ATTITUDE

If you’re struggling with your child, usually it’s your attitude and actions that are causing the problem. See where you lie on the positive-negative scale in the box.

STEP 2

MAKE A COMMITMENT

You can either whinge about the challenges of parenting, or you can choose to feel good about your parenting efforts and your children.

STEP 3

TRACK PROBLEM AREAS

Identify times that you find particularly difficult such as bath- or bedtime. Ask yourself: “Am I expecting my toddler to have the skills of an adult? Am I labelling my toddler as ‘good’ when she obeys me – and ‘bad’ when she doesn’t?”

STEP 4

USE POSITIVE DISCIPLINE

Dr Green sums it up: “As a rule, shouting, smacking and arguing all make things worse. Rules, rewards, letting the unimportant pass, time-out, keeping calm, ‘I’ statements and forgiveness give the best chance.”

STEP 5

HIGHLIGHT THE GOOD

Get into the daily habit of noticing your child’s positive actions, and you may be amazed at how well behaved she actually is. Reinforce positive deeds with specific praise. For example: “It was kind to share your blocks with your friend,” works better than, “What a good girl!” Tone of voice, eye contact and our level of interest are the most effective ways to boost positive behaviour.

STEP 6

IGNORE THE NEGATIVE

Ignore trivial negative behaviour.

Let your child know that you are aware of the behaviour so she doesn’t think she’s getting away with it. Say to your child: “I saw what you’re doing, but I’m ignoring you,” then turn away and do something else. Resume your attention once the behaviour has stopped. In cases of aggression, apply immediate discipline.

STEP 7

GIVE A CHOICE

Dr Marianne Neifert, author of

Dr Mom’s Prescription for Preschoolers,

advises parents of toddlers to state the consequences of behaviour calmly, followed by, “It’s your choice. You choose.” That way your child doesn’t feel pushed into a corner, and you retain the final say. In a very young child, using distraction to sidestep a battle works well.

STEP 8

SHOW WHAT YOU MEAN

Young children don’t know how to behave appropriately. You have to teach them by showing them what to do. Create house rules that you repeat in a calm, “boring” way, so that you don’t reinforce the negative with a big reaction. Say: “We don’t throw food on the floor. We keep food on the plate. Here, let’s pick it up together.”

STEP 9

BE LOVING

• Listen to your child with your full attention. Maintain eye contact and don’t interrupt. Start with a few minutes a day, and build on this.

• Keep calm. Angry confrontation merely causes fear and anger. Firm, specific instructions are more likely to get the results you want.

• Be friendly and loving.

• Stop all criticism and comparisons. Accept your child’s personality just the way it is.

• Make a fixed weekly schedule of enjoyable activities, such as family pizza night, walks and evening storytime. Fun parent-child experiences promote cooperation and strengthen family ties. ●

AS A RULE, SHOUTING, SMACKING AND ARGUING ALL MAKE THINGS WORSE.