SHE WASN’T READY

We have a new baby, and our 3-year-old is not taking it well. We did try to prepare her, and we also tried to keep everything else in her life as stable as possible, but it has been four months already, and she shows no signs of accepting her little sister. She has started slapping me in the face every so often, ignores the baby and has regressed quite a bit. Sometimes she even wets her pants absolutely on purpose to annoy me as she was completely potty trained long ago. I just don’t understand it, as I am spending more time with her than before as I am still on maternity leave. How can we make this big sister role easier for her?

MADELEIN SAYS: Think about it: before Baby came, your toddler was told she would have a wonderful little sister to play with, and how much fun it would be. Then the little sister is born, and your toddler is thinking: ”Are you serious? Is this baby who takes up all your time and attention supposed to be fun?”

She then ”plays” with the baby in the only ways she knows how. She plays hide-and-seek, and you reprimand her for putting a blanket over the baby’s face. She gives the baby a hug, and everyone warns her to be more careful. Is it any wonder that an older sibling struggles to accept the new baby?

Toddlers often express these disappointing feelings about new siblings through challenging and regressive behaviour. The good news: there is a lot you can do to help your older child adapt to a new baby in ways that maximise the chance that she will ultimately develop a close, loving relationship with her sibling.

1. BE PREPARED FOR YOUR OLDER CHILD TO SHOW SIGNS OF REGRESSION

Taking steps backwards in development is often a sign of stress. Acting like a baby means receiving more attention and care. Demanding that older children act “like a big boy or girl” often backfires, as they don’t want to be a big kid in that moment. Though it may feel uncomfortable, when you respond to the need your child is expressing, she is more likely to return to age-appropriate functioning fairly quickly. For example, if she asks you to wrap her in a blanket, tuck her in and say: “Oh you want a bit of extra cuddles? Me too!”

If she has potty accidents, be sure not to respond with disappointment or punishment.

2. WATCH YOUR WORDS

Don’t blame everything on the baby: ”We can’t go to the park, the baby’s sleeping”, ”Be quiet, you’ll wake the baby” or ”After I change the baby, I’ll help you.” Instead, use alternate reasons for example: ”My hands are busy now,” ”We’ll go after lunch” or ”I will help you in three minutes”.

3. HOVER TO AVOID CONSTANT “NOs”

Whenever the children are together, ”hover” close by. If you see your child is about to get rough, pick up the baby and distract the older sibling with a song, a toy, an activity or a snack. This action protects the baby while helping you avoid a constant string of saying no, which may actually encourage the aggressive behaviour.

4. GIVE EXTRA LOVE

Increase your little demonstrations of love for your child. Say extra “I love yous,” and increase your daily dose of hugs. Be sure to schedule quality time with your older child every day while someone else looks after the baby. Don’t attend to chores during this time. Get creative! Messy play, puppet play, drawing and music are all good ways for children to work through their emotions. Spending quality time with your older child will comfort her in knowing that you still find her special enough to spend alone time with her.

5. ARM YOURSELF WITH BUSY BAGS

Make feeding time – when you cannot give your older child undivided attention – an exciting time. Keep a special box of toys aside for her to enjoy during this time. Busy bags are exactly what they sound like – self-contained, simple toys, craft supplies and games that are designed to keep toddlers busy. The trick is to not give your child ready access to the bags so that she will have heightened interest in the contents when you want to keep her occupied. This will reinforce a positive association with you being busy with Baby.

6. AVOID COMPARISONS!

Avoid comparing siblings, even about seemingly innocent topics such as birth weight, who cried less or who had more hair! Children can interpret these comments as criticisms.

7. BOOST HER EGO

Make your child feel proud and connected to the new baby by saying things like, ”She only smiles like that when you’re around” or ”She likes it when you choose her outfit.”

8. DON’T OVER-INDULGE YOUR OLDER CHILD

You might feel guilty about all the changes the baby has brought to the older sibling’s life. You may try to make up for it with extra treats and gifts. Unfortunately, indulging the older child will lead to negative consequences. First, it signals that you don’t think your child can learn to cope with this change – that she needs special exceptions. It also sends the message to the older child that she is entitled, which can lead to even more demanding behaviour.

9. FIGHT THE URGE TO LOOSEN UP ON LIMITS, AND BE CONSISTENT

Often, we give up previously established limits and give in to the older child’s demands. You may also be exhausted and feel you can’t survive yet another tantrum. Children act out both for attention and to see if the boundaries have remained the same while everything else was changing. It’s key to stay consistent, to discipline your child as you did before in order to give your child that sense of security.

10. AVOID PUTTING PRESSURE ON YOUR CHILD TO BE IN LOVE WITH THE NEW BABY

There is not a lot of immediate reward in interacting with babies, as they don’t do much. The new baby represents someone who is taking attention away from the older child, so expecting your older child to be madly in love with the baby is unrealistic. When the older sibling senses pressure to love the baby, it can have the opposite effect and make her less likely to feel warmly toward her new sibling. With time and space, your older child is more likely to connect positively with her sister.

This is a time of adjustment for everyone in the family. Reduce outside activities, relax your housekeeping standards, and focus on your current priority – adjusting to your new family size. Although the current situation seems challenging and difficult to manage at the moment, this too shall pass. Remember, nothing can be more of a gift to a child than a sibling.